Hey everybody! It’s Golden Globes time! One of the unforeseen uh…wrinkles in living in a time of topsy-turviness means that, in addition to getting to dig in on various awards situations and their various falling-outs, I actually have gotten to write these little posts about an awards show that has basically imploded, and may or may not ever matter again.
1 it turns out that institutionally asserting that white people are the default consideration, and that tokenism is still a valid approach to representation is unpopular! Who knew?!
You see, in 2021 the blowback from the revelations that the Golden Globes were, as it turns out, a bunch of racist dipshits was so bad that not only did a bunch of their leadership resign2, not only did Tom Cruise3 return his Golden Globes, but in fact, they did not televise the Golden Globes at all.
2 NB that this is due to the fact that their president at the time called BLM a “racist hate group”, rather than due to the greater failure of the HFPA, but it’s also not not part of the institutional problems that their president was the sort of dude who would tweet such a thing.
3 himself the outspoken public face of a destructive cult, so things is bad
I suppose it spared them another dumb press conference a month later when, after they finally gave a best actor award to a black guy, he then engaged in some seriously dumb behavior at another awards show.
In any event, they’re bringing it back, except this time they’ve been metamorphosed, through The Magic of Capital, into a for-profit organization which will, of course, fix all the problems, since that’s worked so many times in the past.
In any event, whether this is the first step to them rising, phoenix-style, into a respectable awards show that actually manages to consider the totality of the filmmaking experience, or if this is all window-dressing to them eventually hanging a “Whites Only” sign above the door4, we’re here now, at the first step down the comeback trail for them. Or, you know, not.
4 not to mention what this might have done, culturally, to their position as “the awards that lead most directly up to the Oscars”, which have their own deal that I’ll get to in a month or so.
Jerrod Carmichael is hosting (which is great)! Eddie Murphy is getting the Cecille B. Demille Award (which is an award!). Ryan Murphy (no relation) is getting the Carol Burnett Award (I still don’t really understand what it is)! We’re doing this!
Best Supporting Actress in a Limited or Anthology Series or Television Film
You know, usually I rail against people being nominated for playing characters for a long time and continuing to be nominated for awards for doing so. Admittedly, I don’t usually start off in the second season of one’s performance5, but it’s worth noting that one of the things that I like about the work that Jennifer Coolidge is doing in White Lotus is the face that she did it twice. It’s good, I like it, I’m in favor, great job all around.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Jennifer Coolidge, The White Lotus
5 I mean, it’s only natural, there does need to be some time to actually develop the performance. I don’t like television or acting, but I’m not a monster.
Best Supporting Actor in a Limited or Anthology Series or Television Film
Man, if it wasn’t for White Lotus this entire thing would be goddamned impossible to write about. Television is bad. I’m a big fan of F. Murray Abraham in general, and very happy about this sort of minor late-period renaissance he’s doing here, and think we should encourage him by giving hi a whole pile of awards. Great job, F.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: F. Murray Abraham, The White Lotus
Best Supporting Actress in a Television Series – Musical-Comedy or Drama
So I think I mention every year that my favorite6 thing about the Golden Globes is that they lump all of their supporting performances together by genre, but still separate them out by gender. This is hysterically funny to me. Elizabeth Debicki’s job on The Crown, then, is completely separate from Jonathan Pryce’s job on The Crown but, in the eyes of the GGs, the same as Janelle James’s on Abbott Elementary. This is completely bugfuck.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Janelle James, Abbott Elementary
6 “favorite”
Best Supporting Actor in a Television Series – Musical-Comedy or Drama
All that aside, it does actually make my job easier, because, like, dramatic acting is way more insufferable than comedic acting, and I do like Henry Winkler. I reckon that should fall into the hole where I usually don’t like someone winning a bunch of awards for the same performance year over year, but man, I don’t know, the Golden Globes are stupid and rules are for chumps.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Henry Winkler, Barry
Best Actress in a Limited or Anthology Series or Television Film
Do you all need me to tell you that George & Tammy is really bad? You probably don’t. You’ve probably already received this information. Pam & Tommy features the same naming convention, and is also bad. I’m mostly just pointing it out, really, because I have very little to say about this category. Luckily, I’m always happy, even eighteen years later, when I can give an award to a member of the cast of Mean Girls. Did you know that Elizabeth Holmes has a fifth sense? It’s like she has ESPN or something. I bet her breasts can tell when it’s raining.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Amanda Seyfried, The Dropout
Best Actor in a Limited or Anthology Series or Television Film
Andrew Garfield may hate Mondays and love las….oh, I just did reference jokes. I should probably not do it again. Unfortunately, that leaves me with very little else here: Michael Shannon isn’t nominated for playing George Jones7, so I have to make my little Andrew Garfield jokes and move on.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Andrew Garfield, Under the Banner of Heaven
7 it pains me to say that it is perhaps the worst part of the whole thing
Best Actress in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy
I’m not contrarian enough to argue with the general consensus on the matter, and am going to just be devoting the comedy section to Only Murders in the Building.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Selena Gomez. There isn’t a Golden Globe category that Selena + Chef would be eligible for, so she gets this one instead. Maybe she can write the real category on the bottom with a marker or something. She can share it with Raquelle.
Best Actor in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy
Right, it’s Steve Martin. I mean, I do love Martin Short a great deal, and think he’s great at basically everything he does, but even he isn’t Steve Martin.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Steve Martin, Only Murders in the Building
Best Actress in a Television Series – Drama
Did you know I straight-up did not realize Hilary Swank was in a television show currently? I did not! I’m going to assume that it’s good, because mostly she makes pretty good decisions, and because every other option is terrible, and give it the win, because I really don’t want to keep figuring out ways to disqualify The Crown or, even worse, Euphoria. Ugh.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Hilary Swank, Alaska Daily
Best Actor in a Television Series – Drama
I am elderly. My failing, mortal prison of a human body reminds me every single day that my time on this earth is short, frangible, mayhap even evanescent. Mayhap. And yet, I find myself occasionally running into things that I am, somehow, even as the oldest person that’s ever lived, not interested in because I’m not old enough. This is all to say that I am truly baffled by Yellowstone’s continued presence here. I love the Cost8! Big fan over here! But Yellowstone is the kind of shit that when I see it I say “damn that’s some old people shit” and then watch Party Down for the seventeen thousandth time. Anyway. It’s not Kevin Costner, much as it pains me. Also, I’m going to have a lot to say about Andor over the course of the next year or so, so I’m trying to pace myself.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Diego Luna, Andor
8 we’re not calling him The Cos, that one’s taken and, because I haven’t said it in awhile, long may he burn.
Best Limited or Anthology Series or Television Film
No points for guessing that it’s The White Lotus. I’m here for every television show about how terrible terrible people are, provided it’s fictional and not based on real-life money crime.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: The White Lotus
Best Television Series – Musical or Comedy
I gave Only Murders in the Building all the acting awards, and find myself with no choice but to give the show award to Hacks. That’s the way it works. There’s nothing at all that I can do about it.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Hacks
Best Television Series – Drama
Adam Scott is a terrific actor who gave an excellent performance in a thoughtful show that, unfortunately, failed in pretty much every way to be about space lasers and/or robots. So, you know. Bad luck there.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Andor
Best Non-English Language Film
Hey did you know that RRR, that movie that even you probably love, is some hateful-ass propaganda? It is! I mean, I’m sure it’s entertaining or whatever, but the people who make it are straight-up awful! So, you know, fuck that nonsense.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Decision to Leave
Best Animated Feature
I could have sworn I wrote here about Marcel the Shell (With Shoes On) back when it was just a youtube thing, but it turns out I didn’t. Go see it. It’s the best thing here.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Marcel the Shell
Best Original Song
I think it would be very funny if Rihanna won a Golden Globe (of all things) for her first recording since 2016. It would make me laugh. I don’t have much of an opinion about much of this stuff, so that’s the deciding factor.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Tems, Rihanna, Ryan Coogler, and Ludwig Göransson, “Lift Me Up”
Best Original Score
Hildur Guðnadóttir toured with Sunn0)))! I mean, she’s a serious film scorer who does serious work, and does it well, but, you know, I have a fairly narrow range of interests and she happens to be next to one.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Hildur Guðnadóttir, Women Talking
Best Screenplay
I’m a human being with two eyes and a heart. It’s Everything Everywhere All at Once. It’s got all the right stuff: rocks, butt plug trophies, pathos, James Hong, a bagel. Perfect script.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Daniel Kwan and Daniel Sheinert, Everything Everywhere All at Once
Best Director
I don’t want to sound repetitive, so I’ll say some more stuff that’s in the movie: hot dogs, googly eyes, costumes, a tax audit. All the right stuff.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Daniel Kwan and Daniel Sheinert, Everything Everywhere All at Once
Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture
And all that’s without even getting into the cast!
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Jamie Lee Curtis, Everything Everywhere All at Once
Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture
I mean, I’m effusively praising the movie already9, but, genuinely. I don’t understand acting at all as an art form, and I don’t like it. I don’t usually go for metafictional reasons to be happy for an actor. If Ke Huy Quan does not win every award for which he is nominated for being the absolute top-shelf best part of a genuinely-great movie, I’m burning it all to the ground.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Ke Huy Quan, Everything Everywhere All at Once
9 a thing I do not do, as a rule
Best Actress in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy
Michelle Yeoh doesn’t have the same galloping, runaway-incredible performance, possibly because she’s got to do the heavy lifting in terms of moving the plot along and the action. Obviously, she’s great at it, and, with all due apologies to Anya Taylor-Joy and The Menu, it’s the second-best performance of the year, and it’s in the same movie as the best performance of the year. Which is, to be clear, Ke Huy Quan’s performance. I’m saying Michelle Yeoh is second to that one.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Michelle Yeoh, Everything Everywhere All at Once
Best Actor in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy
Alright, well, I guess being the emotional center of the movie, playing the most version of your character, giving the climactic monologue, and Ginger Rogers-ing Michelle Yeoh’s martial-arts Fred Astaire doesn’t matter if the fine people at the Golden Globes don’t think you’re the lead. They’re stupid, but it does give me the opportunity to praise Daniel Craig’s absolutely loopy second outing as Benoit Blanc.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Daniel Craig, Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery
Best Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama
You know who was great in a dramatic motion picture this year? Keke Fucking Palmer. She’s not nominated, because the Golden Globes, despite being under new ownership, still doesn’t know what to do with horror movies. Mainly because they’re stupid. But just imagine that the rightful winner here is Keke Palmer, and then do the same thing for Daniel Kaluuya in the actor category.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Keke Palmer, Nope (not actually nominated). Do pay attention.
Best Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama
Seriously, it’s 2022. Horror movies are where most of the interesting non-Daniels work is being done right now. Get into it, Golden Globes. Oh, and I love Brenan Frasier and am glad that he’s happy and got a paycheck, but fuck that fatsuit bullshit.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Daniel Kaluuya, Nope (not actually nominated)
Best Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy
It’s Everything Everywhere All at Once
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Everything Everywhere All at Once
Best Motion Picture – Drama
To be clear, here: Avatar: There’s More of This and Top Gun: Chad Radwell are both nominated here, but no horror movie is. I would be willing to bet that Everything Everywhere All at Once is nominated as science-fiction only because it’s also a comedy. As Benonit Blanc would say: it’s dumb. It’s just so dumb.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Top Gun: Chad Radwell, because this is all so dumb, and that’s the dumbest thing here.
Ohio Needs a Train 