So this is a first: I’m going to talk about hte most-watched television shows of the year. There are a couple of reasons for this: the first is that variety is the spice of life, and in a common year, I really only write about television when it’s the Emmys or the Golden Globes1, because, as I’ve previously established, television is stupid.
1 which I did not address this year, mainly because they weren’t televised, but also because it seemed like a good year not to wade on in on yet another flailing awards show that can’t seem to get its shit together. I’ve got a bunch of those on the docket already. I’ll try again next year.
Look, I’m not claiming to not watch tv2. First of all3, nobody does that anymore. It’s like claiming not to have a microwave. It’s a weird thing that people did a lot fifteen years ago and nobody cares. Second of all, there’s a box in my house that shows flashing pictures at basically any time of day or night and even I’m not able to resist the siren call of it.
2 I even, in fact, watched several of the shows below
3 yep, I’m in “embedded numbered list” territory. Don’t worry. I haven’t forgotten that there are a couple of reasons and I’m only on the first one.
So “stupid” here doesn’t mean “morally repugnant” or “something to be avoided at all costs”, it means, well, stupid. Lots of stupid things are entertaining, after all. Television is like a big, floppy dog that can’t find a tennis ball: it’s good for watching, and I’m happy that it’s in the world generally, but I wouldn’t necessarily say that it’s capable of communicating much. Telling a story in eight-minute chunks in between commercials for prescription medicines is probably the dumbest and least-effective way to tell a story, which is why I tend to be easier on television shows that either produce punchlines or tacos.4
4 although even this I’m not doctrinaire about: you can find my praise for Ted Lasso, Bojack Horseman, The Good Place, Community and probably some other things all over this site, and all of them told stories well. Tellingly, of the four examples above, two of them are streaming comedies, without the breaks for the drugs.
Anyway, the other reason is that I was going to do the best-selling books, but it turns out that what books tell us is that nutjob conspiracy theorists buy more physical print books than the rest of us, and that people that buy kindle books prefer to be sworn at in an inspirational fashion. So somehow the list of best-selling books is more stupid than television.
Truly, we live in Interesting Times.
Anyway, these are actually the top 23 or so, because there’s a lot of ties, and also several of them are football, because football.
NFL Sunday Night Football
WHAT IT IS: The most popular televised sport in the country, presented here by a major network, on its canonical day of the week. The year that the most-watched show in the country is not Sunday Night Football will the the year before the Earth explodes.
WHY IT’S HERE: well, the football question is easy to answer5, but Sunday isn’t a workday, and it’s also not a day when people go out at night, generally speaking, so everyone is home and watching their favorite sport. In a sort of stupidity synergy, it is also the stupidest sport. The stupidest sport on the stupidest medium. Stupid all the way down.
5 people love football
NFL Thursday Night Football
WHAT IT IS: More football. Thursday is the jonny-come-lately of the televised football world, having started a mere fifteen or so years ago. Seems like it’s working out.
WHY IT’S HERE: Because people are also home on Thursday nights, and also (and perhaps more importantly), that more people watch Fox than ESPN (see below).
NFL Monday Night Football
WHAT IT IS: More football. This used to be the flagship, but Disney moved it from ABC to ESPN, so now it’s the third-highest rated. I bet Hank Junior is mad.
WHY IT’S HERE: Because fewer people have access to ESPN than the broadcast networks, even last year.
This is Us
WHAT IT IS: The story of a family across generations. Isn’t that sweet? Aww.
WHY IT’S HERE: I have absolutely no capacity to understand the popularity of this show. I can understand liking it, I suppose, but man, everybody watches this damn thing. The only things higher than it are football! It says that popularity is thing beyond my ken, I suppose.
The Masked Singer
WHAT IT IS: They’re singing, but they’re also in elaborate costumes. Also, a truly annoying assemblage of reality television judges scream about it.
WHY IT’S HERE: Clearly people have a bottomless appetite for it. The costumes are, indeed, cool, although for the last couple of seasons the early rounds have mostly been notable for revealing that several of the worst people in America6 are willing to put on a puppet costume and warble something.
6 and John Lydon, who is also terrible, but is from a different country
Grey’s Anatomy
WHAT IT IS: The clearly-deathless soapy medical rom-dram. I hadn’t paid any attention to it until the run-up to the most recent season, and Ellen Pompeo’s press tour where she all but begged people to stop watching so that she could leave the show. That’s pretty funny.
WHY IT’S HERE: This show is old enough to vote. I would imagine the only possible answer at this point is “inertia.”
NFL Thursday Night Football
WHAT IT IS: The weekly football game that’s aired on cable, and not on a broadcast network.
WHY IT’S HERE: Well, it’s separated from the pack because people are less likely to watch a football game on cable than on a broadcast network.
Equalizer
WHAT IT IS: A procedural from the eighties, updated for modern discerning audiences.
WHY IT’S HERE: Look, I don’t care who brings what procedural back. I think Queen Latifah is, generally speaking, a force for good in the world. I’m just happy to be able to type Edward Woodward’s name. Edward Woodward, the man so nice they -warded him twice.
9-1-1
WHAT IT IS: Ryan Murphy’s first stab at the procedural.
WHY IT’S HERE: Murph is generally a good thing for ratings, and his willingness to fill the show with the most bonkers possible emergencies and/or responses to those emergencies probably doesn’t hurt.
The Bachelorette/The Bachelor
WHAT IT IS: The pre-eminent reality show. Many have copied it, often successfully. That seems like a sentence that needs a “but” or an “or” or something, but The Bachelor is pretty straightforward, and there’s not much to explain about it.
WHY IT’S HERE: The Bachelor is forever. I don’t understand its appeal, but it does hav ea very wide appeal. The thing that makes this interesting to me is that the two are in the same spot on the list, which suggests to me that the same (enormous) set of people watches both versions of the show, interchangeably.
Law & Order: Organized Crime
WHAT IT IS: I’m going to level with you folks: I was not actually aware that this show existed until I saw this list.
WHY IT’S HERE: It is, I will say, at least a novel incarnation of the L&O world. It sounds like a brain-dead version of, like, The Wire, only with a handsome-er lead. So probably that, then.
Chicago P.D.
WHAT IT IS: We are in the Dick Wolf block, people. L&O is Dick Wolf, Chicago Whatever is Dick Wolf. It’s all Dick Wolf everything.
WHY IT’S HERE: It’s been hard to not type “people love copaganda”7 for, like, a bunch of these, but come on. It has police in the name! Stop doing this, everyone!
7 some of which I am, in fact to blame for, at least insofar as I do actually watch 9-1-1
Chicago Fire
WHAT IT IS: Dick Wolf, now with more fire!
WHY IT’S HERE: I mean, it’s the same as all the rest of it. On one hand, it’s still a ridiculous pro-status-quo lecture every week. On the other hand, at least it’s only copaganda-adjacent. Television is stupid, everyone!
9-1-1: Lone Star
WHAT IT IS: Like 9-1-1 original flavor, but like 1,400 miles east.
WHY IT’S HERE: Everything is bigger in Texas. Except the ratings for 9-1-1. Thanks folks, I’ll be here all week.
South Park
WHAT IT IS: The bloated-still crawling corpse of a once-funny television program, still managing to find new ground in its saturnine, “everyone is awful and caring is for chumps” worldview. It’s also really breaking up the Dick Wolf, here.
WHY IT’S HERE: Because people like to be told that they’re making the intellectually rigorous decision by not, in fact, doing anything.
Law & Order: SVU
WHAT IT IS: The source material for one of the greatest novellas written in my lifetime, if not ever.
WHY IT’S HERE: People sure do love them especially heinous crimes.
Chicago Med
WHAT IT IS: I suppose I am somewhat refreshed by the Chicago family of televisual products having extremely direct, utilitarian titles.
WHY IT’S HERE: Well, because after the cops and the firefighters, someone might need to see a doctor, of course.
FBI
WHAT IT IS: You’ll never believe this, but this is Dick Wolf copaganda. Again.
WHY IT’S HERE: Isn’t it great how the police always and only catch the bad guys and are actually heroes, actually and certainly not anything anyone should question? So cool.
I Can See Your Voice
WHAT IT IS: Like an inverted masked singer – the person is wearing a costume, certainly, but it’s more along the lines of a Village People situation than a special effect. Then, a somewhat-less annoying assemblage of people8 guess if those people can sing.
WHY IT’S HERE: I mean, it’s essentially a guessing game. It takes even the basic knowledge of famous people out of the Masked Singer equation, replacing them with a shrug and a fifty-fifty stab in the dark. So I guess that….works? For people? I guess?
8 retaining Ken Jeong, the least-annoying of the Masked Singer judges
The Good Doctor
WHAT IT IS: A medical procedural, starring the guy from Bates Motel.
WHY IT’S HERE: I didn’t get the chance to say this during the Bates Motel years, because I write about television somewhat rarely, but I’m going to say it here because, well, I want to. I am not an actor. I’m not even interested in acting9. Nevertheless, there is, as with watching anyone perform any skill, an aspect of watching a television show where it’s sort of locking into a groove of expectation, and you more-or-less know how someone is, given a performance of a character, going to behave. Freddie Highmore, several times in every episode of Bates Motel, made acting decisions that I found not only counter-intuitive, but downright baffling, often to the point of it jarring me all the way out of the story being told. So I guess this is here because people want to be baffled and jarred. Ordinarily I’m among them, but I must confess that having it happen as a result of truly incoherent acting choices is not my favorite way to be either.
9 people that I know in real life are shaking your heads gently right now. I know. I’m understating to move past the point.
Station 19
WHAT IT IS: You know, if you only ever watched tv, you’d only be able to believe that there were, like, seven jobs, and that more things caught fire than do.
WHY IT’S HERE: Because after sixteen million identical shows in New York and, at present, in Chicago, Seattle must represent a nice change of scenery.
NCIS
WHAT IT IS: Naval Crime Investigation Service. Now in its 19th year of surprisingly-little boat crime!
WHY IT’S HERE: I mean, a lot of people tune in every week expecting some delightful boat crime, and they almost never get any boat crime. This is ridiculous! Burn the whole thing down! But, you know, lock up the cast of every other show first so I don’t get arrested and/or fire-fought.