In Which We Talk About the Emmys, Part 2

Animated Program
Ah, at least. A category I can feel confident about. The Simpsons and Futurama each had a stint as the funniest show on television, and they still have their moments, but those stints are over. Fuck Seth MacFarlane and, therefore, fuck American Dad. The Penguins of Madagascar is a spin-off, albeit of the funniest part of a wildly succesful series of movies, but it’s a spin-off, and I’m old-fashioned enough to feel that that should disqualify it. Bob’s Burgers, however? Bob’s Burgers is as funny as anything I’ve ever seen, and should win Emmy’s in categories that don’t even exist. In fact, I’d like to retroactively give it all those Emmy’s that didn’t have any rightful winners.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Bob’s Burgers

Short-Form Animated Program
Here, by contrast, is a category that’s considerably more disappointing. I don’t want to spend a lot of time on it, so the winner is The Regular Show, because it makes me laugh. The end.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: The Regular Show

Children’s Program
I have seen literally none of these things. Victorious has ads that make it look funny.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Victorious

Children’s Nonfiction, Reality, or Reality-Competition Program
Is It Gets Better really a “Children’s” program? I guess it must be if Degrassi is, even though I haven’t seen the current incarnation of Degrassi.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: It Gets Better.

Guest Actress in a Comedy Series
I love Kathy Bates. Really, I do. But she was still a guest on Two and a Half Men. I don’t watch Glee either, so we’re down to the SNL people and the 30 Rock people. Why wasn’t Maya Rudolph nominated for a supporting actress comedy Emmy? She really deserved one for Up All Night. Fuck these people. Elizabeth Banks is never as funny as I want her to be, Margaret Cho’s Kim Jong-Il was funny, and deserves props for continuing on after his death, but both of those aren’t really this season kinds of things. Maya Rudolph was an excellent host of Saturday Night Live, but she was also a former cast-member, and that kind of takes something away from the impressiveness. Melissa McCarthy, on the other hand, took a shot of ranch dressing to the face.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Melissa McCarthy

Guest Actor in a Comedy Series
Nobody should win an Emmy for playing themselves, so MJF is out, even though he was funny. I don’t watch Nurse Jackie. Still. I didn’t even remember that Greg Kinnear had been on Modern Family, so he’s right out, and Jon Hamm appeared in a lame-ass blackface joke, so that’s no good either. Despite my earlier complaints about Elizabeth Banks and Margaret Cho playing old years’ jokes on 30 Rock, Devon Banks is an institution, the gift that keeps on giving, and deserves the trophy.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Will Arnett

Guest Actress in a Drama Series
Hey look! It’s Martha Plimpton! Who knew?! She and Clive Owen should both go to the Emmys and we can look at them onscreen and say “Oh boy! They are both still people that exist and wear pants and stuff!” But she probably shouldn’t win, because that would be too much good news for one year. This is actually the most revelatory category, because the other thing I learned is that Grey’s Anatomy is still on! So. Anyway. I haven’t watched Shameless, but I keep meaning to, and I do like Joan Cusack. Julia Ormond was fine on Mad Men. I didn’t watch Smash. I really don’t watch much television drama.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Joan Cusack.

Guest Actor in a Drama Series
Why are acting awards segregated? Was what Ben Feldman did so impossible to compare with what Julia Ormond did that it requires an entirely separate award? I can’t answer this question, and Ben Feldman was the only one in there that I saw.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Michael J. Fox. Or, failing that, Dylan Baker, who is never anything less than amazing in anything.

Voice-Over Performance
This is a real category, guys! I didn’t even make it up! OK. Hank Azaria is a voice-over institution, but it’s really hard to reward The Simpsons in 2012. Brenda Strong is a good narrator, but, unless you’re talking about Arrested Development or Superfriends, the narrator isn’t really a character that you’d notice. Dan Povenmire’s real name is as hard to say as his character’s name, so he should be disqualified from making people say it. I love Rob Riggle, but what the hell is Disney Prep Landing: Naughty & Nice? It looks like pornography based on a field instruction manual. I don’t know what The Looney Tunes Show is, or why Kristen Wiig is voicing a character that I don’t know, but I’ve also never thought her voice was the thing that made her funny. That leaves us with the incomparable Maurice LaMarche who, while his show isn’t in its glory days, is still an undersung and excellent part of a really good voice cast.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Maurice LaMarche

Directing for a Comedy Series
Girls was well-directed, but I’m still not talking about it here. Curb Your Enthusiasm’s director doesn’t even have to make any actual decisions – the visual language of that show is so established, and so present, that there’s not a lot that an individual director can do. I can appreciate that directing Modern Family is probably difficult, if only because you have to get Eric Stonestreet and Jesse Tyler Ferguson in shots together without outing Jesse Tyler Ferguson as a smurf. So my hat is off, but Louis C.K. does that shit himself.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Louis C.K.

Directing for a Drama Series
Still Breaking Bad, guys.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Vince Gilligan, Breaking Bad

Directing for Miniseries
Oh my god you guys. There are so many awards given out for Miniserieses. If I ever want to finish off my EGOT, I’m doing it in a miniseries because there’s only like eight of them made every year and they get nominated for like six thousand awards. Hell, they even need to pad their numbers by counting shit that airs on the BBC. I’ll make my hard-hitting miniseries about the underdrawers industry and call it Jockeying to get our Hanes on You and set it in, like, the late 1800’s and RAKE THAT SHIT IN WITH A RAKE.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Sam Miller, Luther

Directing for Variety Series
Or a variety series. Man, there aren’t many of those, but people watch them like hotcakes. Anyway. What does the director even do on a Variety series? I’m giving this one to Portlandia because it’s more than just a static camera setup3.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Jonathan Krisel, with a bird on it!

Directing, Nonfiction Program
Man, this category is like the opposite of all the other categories. This covers absolutely anything that was on television and not telling a fictional story. And, tellingly, I’ve heard of only some of it. This is the first I’ve been made aware that Woody Allen has an American Masters episode, I had forgotten that George Harrison: Living in the Material World was just last year, I still haven’t watched The Amazing Race, I still was nonplussed by Project Runway, and I didn’t watch Paradise Lost 3 because I’m a bad person.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: eh. Just pick somebody at random. I’m sure they’re all lovely people.

Original Main Title Theme Music
Ok, so, as promised I skipped a ton of awards for shit like “hairstyling.” If I inadvertently missed your favorite category, feel free to yell about it. Anyway, I want to have an opinion about this, but I have a problem, and it’s this: I don’t know any of these fucking songs. Homeland is the only one of these shows I even knew existed. Seriously. How does everyone not just have an emmy by now?

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Homeland, I guess.

Short-Format Nonfiction
Now, see, none of these even aired on television. The fuck are we doing here, Emmy committee? This is silly and you know it.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Not having any more Emmy categories

Nonfiction Special
Hey! A thing about Bobby Fischer! That’s neat.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: The George Harrison one.

Nonfiction Series
I HAVE HEARD OF THESE THINGS. Anyway. It’s not Frozen Planet because that was dumb, it’s not The Weight of the Nation because handwringing is stupid and no one’s mind has ever been changed by a television program, especially not one that features lots of handwringing. I didn’t know Inside the Actors Studio was still on (is it still on Bravo? Does it have more Kardashians on it now?)4, so I haven’t watched it in a long time. No Reservations has been great the whole time it’s been on, and it’s ended, so it could probably win, although I think it wins all the time, but I feel bad for not knowing that American Masters had done a thing about Woody Allen, so this is a guilt award.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: American Masters (but actually No Reservations)

Stunt Coordination
Yes, this is a technical award, and I said I was skipping those, but guess what? I’m still skipping it. I’m just point out that it exists. It’s not “best stunt sequence” or “best stunt performance,” it’s “best stunt coordination.” So basically you can get an emmy based on how regularly, generally speaking, the stunts on your show work, which is probably the most admirable way to do it, but is unquestionably the most boring.

Documentary Filmmaking
So wait. We have nonfiction program, nonfiction special, and one other category up there, and we still need this category? THE GEORGE HARRISON THING ISN’T EVEN NOMINATED IN THIS ONE. Goddammit. Alright, fine.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It” video, which features the best package bounce battle ever filmed and probably hasn’t won nearly enough awards.

Writing, Comedy Series
The writing awards are way down here after the makeup awards. Now, I’ve watched Sports Night, I know about the importance of technical people to making good television, and far be it from me to say that they don’t deserve an award. The real problem here is my memory: I don’t remember the hairstyles on Downton Abbey well enough to know which one actually did the best job. Still and all, the best makeup artist and sound mixer and lighting editor and horse fellator in the world isn’t going to be able to do much in dramatic television without a GOD-DAMNED SCRIPT. So maybe this category shouldn’t be buried so far down, is what I’m saying.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Chris McKenna, Community

Writing, Drama
If anyone can tell me which of the episodes were actually nominated here, I’ll be happy to change my answer, but I suspect that Andre Jacquemetton was nominated for “Commissions and Fees,” or perhaps “The Other Woman,” and those were both pretty good episodes.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Andre Jacquemetton, Mad Men

Writing, Miniseries, Movie or Special
Seriously, though, this is the same list of these that it’s been the whole fucking time. I think there should be a rule at the emmys where if a category has literally identical nominees to another category, they should be condensed. I HAVE SPOKEN.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Still Luther

Writing, Variety, Music or Comedy Series
On the one hand, Portlandia is very funny. And I have to give a lot of respect to The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, especially the latter, for continuing to be funny this deep into their runs. Bill Maher deserves no kudos ever. But really, Saturday Night Live has the job of putting together ninety minutes (well, probably more like seventy) twenty-six weeks a year (most of them consecutive), and they have to feature both things that happened in the news and people that are not necessarily even actors, let alone funny people. And yeah, it fails probably more than it succeeds, but the fact that it ever succeeds at all means it should get an Emmy. And it probably has a bunch because that shit is four thousand years old.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Portlandia, but a hearty pat on the back for Saturday Night Live.

Writing, Variety, Music or Comedy Special
Every time I see a “special” category, I argue with myself about whether or not they should be included, mainly because I really haven’t seen them, and they’re generally produced for reasons other than television, so I don’t know how much I agree with them being here. That said, I’m not in charge of such things, for reasons that I don’t fully comprehend.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Nobody. Well, Live at the Beacon Theatre was pretty great. But it doesn’t get an Emmy. There’s principle here.

Writing, Nonfiction Programming
God. This is the last category, and the hardest one to think about. GAAAAAAAH.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Prohibition: A Nation of Hypocrites, because it has far and away the best title.

And that’s it, folks! Stay tuned next time there’s a big list of nominations for me to babble about! I’ll be here all week! Try the fish! Tip your waitresses!



3 I don’t know how television works.
4 I guess I sort of thought it had just been replaced by Watch What Happens Live or whatever, because that’s basically where they’re at right now. Is that even the same network? Do I know anything about what I’m talking about? Sources point to “no”

In Which We Talk About the Emmys, Part 1

So! The nominations for the 2012 primetime emmys have been out for awhile now, and, as usual, it falls upon me to judge them for good or for ill. I would have gotten this done sooner, but I had some other things to attend to and guys, there are so many categories. So many categories. So here goes. Note: I’m skipping some of the more technical ones, mainly because I don’t really want to go back and watch all this stuff again to figure out who had the best art direction. Yo.

Comedy Series
Well, Community wasn’t nominated, despite the fact that it hangs together as a season better than any of the shows that were nominated, so fuck these people straight out the gate. Parks and Recreation, which also had a phenomenal season that worked as a season….is also not nominated. 0 for 2. I don’t really want to be the ten millionth person to write about Girls, so I won’t. I think I watched an episode of The Big Bang Theory this season, and it certainly…existed. Veep and Curb Your Enthusiasm are great, but let’s admit there’s great television beyond HBO and Seinfeld, shall we? 30 Rock had a stronger season than the season before it, but it was still a shadow of its former self, with the exception of the Jim Carrey episode, which was everything it should have been. Also, the emmy can’t go to a show that made use of blackface. Modern Family was fine, but it’s really hard to judge it from year to year as it never really…changes. So it’s out too.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: no one.

Comedy Actor
Larry David can’t win for literally playing himself, and neither can Louis C.K. And neither can Alec Baldwin. No one on a sitcom on CBS can be credited with “acting,” and even Two and a Half Men fans don’t like Jon Cryer anymore. So he’s out, and so is Jim Parsons. I like Don Cheadle, but I only watched one episode of House of Lies, so that must not have been important enough, either.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: no one.

Comedy Actress
I still won’t talk about Girls, so Lena Dunham is out. I love Melissa McCarthy, and I hear Mike and Molly is good, so maybe she can be a dark horse candidate. Nurse Jackie is on Showtime, and has the problem of every single show ever to air on Showtime: it was pretty good for a season, and then its protagonist stopped being likable or believable, and it was time to stop watching. 30 Rock may have regained some momentum, but it wasn’t really because of Tina Fey, Julia-Louis Dreyfuss manages to manufacture laughs in every role she plays, but not as much as Amy Poehler.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Amy Poehler, unless there’s a terrible onstage fire, in which case Zooey Deschanel, but only if the award is given during the fire.

Supporting Comedy Actor
Nolan Gould and Rico Rodriguez weren’t nominated, so no one from Modern Family can win, because otherwise it would just be wrong. I’m allergic to watching New Girl, no matter how many times they cast Lizzy Caplan in it, so Max Greenfield is right out, and while Bill Hader was a linchpin member of a Saturday Night Live cast that mostly limped across the finish line, his funniest moments all year came when he was breaking, so it’s hard to call that a good acting performance.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: I WAS KIDDING, TY BURRELL. OF COURSE PHIL DUNPHY GETS AN EMMY1

Supporting Comedy Actress
Do this many people actually like The Big Bang Theory? Really? Fuck ‘em. Sofia Vergara ain’t it, either. Julie Bowen deserves credit within her show for being funny, but her character is super one-note. Kirsten Wiig left Saturday Night Live, and probably deserves some credit for that, but she also….wasn’t very funny. I don’t really know who Merritt Weaver is, but my feelings about Nurse Jackie haven’t changed.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: The mighy Kathryn Joosten from beyond the grave!

Drama Series
It’s Breaking Bad.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Breaking Bad

Drama Actress
The current crop of drama actresses is pretty impressive! Unfortunately, I don’t think I watch any of these shows except Mad Men because I don’t really like much television drama!

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Kristen Wiig, because I couldn’t really give her the comedy actress one, but she did succeed at making me feel sorry for her and not laugh.

Drama Actor
On the one hand, I already used this joke and really should go through the options to pick a winner. On the other hand, it’s Bryan Cranston.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Bryan Cranston

Supporting Drama Actress
Y’know, I did watch Downton Abbey, and I quite like Joanna Frogget and Maggie Smith. It’s kind of a dead heat, though, since what they’re doing isn’t really the same thing. They should toss a coin to see who wins.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Maggie Smith, because even a coin has brains enough not to fuck with her.

Supporting Drama Actor
The only show on this list I don’t watch is Game of Thrones! This list is purpose-built to make me look like a miserable sexist. Anyway, it’s not Peter Dinklage, as much as I like him. I’m not sure which season this is meant to cover, but I didn’t notice Jared Harris much until this most recent one, so if it’s that one he could win and I wouldn’t be unhappy, I guess. Jim Carter and Brendan Coyle wore the fuck out of their costumes, it’s true, but that’s not really the category. Jesse is a great character, but I think we all know who really deserves it.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Giancarlo Esposito.

Miniseries or TV Movie
Game Change seemed like it would be humorless, didn’t it? It really did. Hemingway & Gelhorn, on the other hand, looked hilarious, and that’s almost certainly what was supposed to be happening there2 American Horror Story is an ongoing show, with the same season structure (it’s on the same network, even) as Louie. It’s not a miniseries, even though the setting and characters reset every year. Sherlock was good, certainly, but it was also a little too gee-whiz for me. I thought Hatfields & McCoys was a joke until it actually aired, and then I didn’t watch it.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Luther.

Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie
The only one of these I saw was American Horror Story (seriously, why did I miss the good television performances of women? What the hell, man?), and as sad as it makes me to say this, Mrs. Coach did not deserve an Emmy for that. Her hair probably did, but I notice that it was lumped in with her, and is therefore not eligible for inclusion. I like that Emma Thompson was nominated for her role in something called “The Song of Lunch,” but I can’t get behind her character not having a name. That sounds needlessly complicated.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Oh, who am I to stand on formality? Mrs. Coach’s hair.

Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie
You know what? Next year I’m fucking watching miniserieses. This list of nominations is actually a list of some of my favorite actors currently doing stuff, so it would be real hard to pick one. Luckily I’ve still only seen one of the nominees.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Dennis O’Hare. He did that shit with half a face.

Variety, Comedy or Music Series
Don’t The Colbert Report and The Daily Show win this all the time? I’M GOING AGAINST THE GRAIN! I watched one episode of the Jimmy Kimmel show, ever, because I think a band I liked was playing on it, and I may have been plotting his death, because I think he was with Sarah Silverman at the time. I’ve never watched Real Time With Bill Maher because Bill Maher makes my brain sad. Late Night With Jimmy Fallon has gotten much better than it was in years past (really, he’s undergone a lot of growth as a host, and godspeed to him), but I still don’t watch it. I watched every episode of Saturday Night Live this season, and while it wasn’t bad, necessarily, it also was a step down from the past couple of years and had way too much screeching. If it were possible to nominate “Abby Elliott’s impressions, J Pop America Fun Time Wow, What Up With That, Bill Hader’s recurring characters and the Eli Manning coutroom sketch” for an Emmy, I’d be ok with it, but I think I’ve already made up too many rules.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Nobody, but Jason Sudeikis should be invited onstage to dance.

Variety, Comedy or Music Special
If any of you have ever watched even one of the nominees in this category, I will film myself eating my own hat.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: The Dick Cavett one. I like him.

Reality Program
I’m really unsure what makes the nominees in this category able to be nominated. Also, I don’t watch any of them. I’ve seen some episodes of Mythbusters over the years, and I like it, but not enough to watch it. The episodes of Who Do You Think You Are that I’ve seen were so mind-bogglingly dull that I have no idea what makes them eligible to be called “good” television. Jamie Oliver annoys the shit out of me, Sharks should never, ever be on my televison, but Dimoko told me about Undercover Boss once, so it should win.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Undercover Boss

Reality Competition Program
People really, really like The Amazing Race. I’ve never watched a minute of it. Dancing With the Stars is a joke, Project Runway hasn’t had any life in it since it left Bravo, except for the life it was able to graft onto itself with an all-stars season, I took a couple of years off from watching So You Think You Can Dance and didn’t really miss (although the current season is pretty good). Top Chef is on the decline, and the Voice represents the horrifying decline of Cee-Lo Green from “the guy with the voice in Goodie Mob, and therefore Mystery Men and then the guy in Gnarls Barkley and then the Fuck You Guy” to “the guy who dresses in muppets and never makes any goddamned sense.” As such, it can’t win.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Nothing.

Host for a Reality or Reality-Competition Program
You know what? If this entire post turns out to be nothing more than a justification for finally getting to type “Fuck Betty White,” then that’s enough for me. It’s not that I mind that she exists and is funny and has a career, it’s that it’s 2012 and this shit is still happening. Also Betty White’s Off Their Rockers isn’t as terrible as I thought it would be – it’s just boring. And why did I watch it? Because it was the lead-in for the far superior Best Friends Forever, which nobody fucking watched, because how much audience could it possibly share with its lead-in, and also because not enough of you assholes listen to me. The take-away here being: fuck Betty White. Tom Bergeron and Ryan Seacrest are sort of equally up-there, in that they’re both bland and eminently punchable. Cat Deely is a game and amiable host, and she has an awesome name. I’ve still never watched Phil Keoghan’s show, but now I feel like I should.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Phil Keoghan



1 seriously. How happy would that make Phil Dunphy?
2 although it was nice to finally see what happened to Clive Owen

Burgerbecuethenticity Failure

There’s no such thing as authenticity.

That said, one of my favorite thing is the attempted mass-production of items that do actually require authenticity to be at all worthwhile. And nowhere is this better than when fast food chains pretend to not be fast food chains. Now, this is a mainstay of the fast food item circuit. Hell, the last time I wrote about fast food it was in regards to a chain that is literally built on the phenomenon. But when Burger King throws itself into that arena, it’s time to take notice.

I have never developed much of an appreciation for Burger King’s food. I mean, I’ve eaten there and not complained, and they deserve a fair amount of credit for always having a veggie burger on the menu. More to my taste, they also deserve credit for, when other chains were emphasizing their healthfulness or their non-killing-you-ness (which, really, doesn’t exist), Burger King’s response was to go PFFFFFFFFFT and pour meat on it some more.

In the recent past, they caught my attention by adding to their menu, first in Nashville, and then eventually in other places, a bacon sundae. Now, I’m not really on this “bacon is everything” kick that the internet has enjoyed for the last, oh, decade or so. I mean, I like bacon. I like bacon a lot, even. But really. Enough with the bacon. That said: I sort of get the appeal of the bacon sundae. One of the finest concoctions at Michael Symon’s B Spot is a bacon apple rum milkshake, where the bacon does an admirable job alongside the cold sweetness. Anyway, the point is: that doesn’t sound that outlandish or weird to me.

And they don’t have them at any of the Burger King locations reasonably close to the ONAT Compound East. But it turns out the bacon sundae has been loosely tied to their barbecue-themed summer menu, which is considerably more interesting. They’ve introduced a fleet of new sandwiches, each with a different area’s barbecue traditions at least sort-of in mind. I have a relationship with barbecue sauce that periodically requires me to murder close members of my family to get at some of it, so I was interested. Especially since, rather than just introduce a nonspecific “barbecue” sandwich, they were going out of their way to emphasize that these fast food sandwiches were part of noble regional culinary traditions.

Of course, really what they did is find mass-produced barbecue sauces that you could buy yourself that claimed regional ties and put them on largely pre-existing sandwiches, but hey! It’s not like that’s something I wouldn’t do. There’s two barbecue whoppers – Texas and Carolina. I didn’t eat them. I like the idea of jalapeno slices on a whopper, kind of. I mean, generally. Anyway. I’m not ever eating a whopper again, so fuck that. That left me with two chicken sandwiches and a pulled pork sandwich. The chicken sandwiches were Carolina barbecue and Texas barbecue, and neither tradition is associated with being applied to chicken. That said, I was a little curious about what a fast-food-friendly “Carolina” barbecue sauce tasted like1, so I manipulated my lunch companion into eating half of two different sandwiches so I could also eat half of two sandwiches. Because not getting the pork sandwich wasn’t an option.

A brief digression: while I haven’t had one in a million years, I have a youthful affection for the mcrib. While everyone else in my family thought it was an abomination unto the lord, I remember that pickles on a sugar-sauce “meat” patty sandwich were actually exactly the kind of thing I wanted there to be more of in the world. So when Burger King has a sandwich where the meat is pork and the sauce is barbecue, I can overlook the lack of pickles to get excited2 about it.

To accompany them, Burger King has officially become the first of the fast food chains to break into the sweet potato fries market, which is apparently super-lucrative.

So I had half a Carolina-style chicken sandwich, half a Memphis-style pulled pork sandwich, and a modest amount of sweet potato fries.

The presentation of the sandwiches was actually kind of nice. I mean, they were in a paper clamshell container, but once you opened it up the goddamn things looked like real sandwiches that you’d want to eat and everything. This was entirely an illusion. The buns were attractive. The tomatoes were red enough, the onions were a little redder, it looked fine. I was ready to indulge myself. It’s a rare occurence.

First a sweet potato fry. They were fine. This is not an indictment of the sweet potato fries. They were even good, at least at the beginning. They were aggressively salted, which is rare for sweet potato fries. And they had nothing in common, texturally, with the godless abominations that Burger King usually serves as “fries.” They actually tasted like something you wouldn’t be specifically angry at a restaurant for allowing to be mixed into your order of fries3. They did yeoman’s work, with their only real sin being they were so salty that by the end of the little container of them I barely noticed anything else. Of course, by that point I’d also eaten the sandwiches.

I started with the pork sandwich, reasoning that I would like it enough that it would power me through the less-than-thrilling chicken sandwich. Friends, I have made mistakes in my life. I have been wrong about my assumptions before. I have made the wrong decision, even given the facts, on a number of occasions. This, I’m sad to say, was one of those times. The pork sandwich was…squooshy. The bread, which had looked soft and appealing, was….squooshy. The meat, which had look like shreds of pulled pork was….squooshy. It was the apotheosis of squoosh. As far as flavor went, it had all of the after-effects of having eaten something mildly sweet (unpleasant feeling in the mouth) and something mildly spicy (that lingering post-spicy-food tingle) without actually tasting of anything but salt. If I’ve made this sound terrible, I assure you, I have actually done it a favor. I should be making it sound infuckingedible.

After some palate cleansing sweet potato fries – which had formerly surprised me with their relative quality, and now were doing the job of reminding me exactly how much salt I was trying to consume – I ate the chicken sandwich. It was…fine. It actually had a completely different set of problems from the pork sandwich. Namely: it was a Burger King chicken sandwich. I can’t remember if I’ve ever actually had one or not, but I’m pretty sure I have, because my subconscious reaction upon eating it was “huh. alright.” There was probably barbecue sauce on it somewhere. It tasted a little more vinegary than I’d imagine it would otherwise, but again, mostly it just tasted like salty chicken. Unlike the pork sandwich, however, the meat tasted like the meat it was purported to taste like. So. We’ll call that one a victory for the chicken sandwich.

Friends, marketing is a hell of a thing. I did not expect anything like a barbecue experience. I expected a trip to a fast food establishment with slightly different sauces on the sandwiches. What I got instead was a mouth demon, and a slightly-different chicken sandwich, and also a mouth demon. Do not order Burger King’s pork sandwich. When you warn your loved ones to also not eat Burger King’s pork sandwich, do not address it by name. Call it “pork sandwich.” Do not make eye contact with it, do not even look closely at it on the menu. This is not a sandwich. This has unleashed something evil. Even now I feel like I should be running after the nearest medical-pod-thing to have whatever cthonic horror this sandwich has impregnated me with pulled out.

For once I implore you: don’t be like me. Be like Dave Coulier. Because I don’t know what Dave Coulier had for lunch today, but it wasn’t one of these infernal sandwiches.

1 spoiler alert: like Bulls Eye barbecue sauce.
2 well. “Excited.”
3 this is how I feel about Burger King’s french fries.

Cables

So i have a basement full of things.  I have begun to order things into various piles for safe-keeping and easy retrieval.  I’m not sure why i am doing this, because i will probably never want to retrieve it ever again.  I have computers, long obsolete gadgets, various knicknacks, and cables.  Millions and Millions of cables.  I have computer cables, camera cables, usb cables, speaker cables, ipod cables, firewire cables, power cables, and pretty much any other type of cable.  I can’t bring myself to throw them away, because at some point, i fear, there will come a time where i will need to be able to adapt any number of infinite items a to any number of infinite items b.  I am pretty sure i have a good probability of being able to do that with the cable stash i have now.  I even threw out some of my duplicate cables.  If there were 10 USB cables, i threw out 5.  Is 5 too many USB cables to keep?  Yes, but 6 is too many USB cables to throw away.  Especially in a recession.  So now i have large plastic totes, filled with things, and cables.  The photo cables, teh computer cables, teh audio cables, they only live together now.  What on earth would a USB cable do with a speaker cable?!  I did have some trouble categorizing.  Would a USB cable that i KNOW came with a camera automatically be considered a photo cable?  Well, you could use it with a different sort of device some day.  So, in 6 months, when i need to hook up this device to a computer somewhere, i will look in the computer cable tote, and it won’t be there…or will it.  Maybe i will put 3 of them in one, and 2 in the other.  I need to come up with a proper way to decide which tote gets the extra cable.  I’m thiking that they have a series of physical challenges.  And if it is still tied after that it should probably go to sudden death.  But really i feel like the audio tote should have some say in this.  I mean, it really couldn’t use one of these cables (but maybe with an MP3 player?  but i mean it has to live with these other totes, so i don’t know why it shouldn’t get a vote.  So with 3 totes in the running it should probably be a round robin tournament.  Does anyone know what a round robin tournament is?  I need to go to wikipedia and do some research.

ok, i looked it up.  I’m not sure how i am going to implement this, so i’ll have to get back to you on that.  For now i will put 2 in each and leave the extra on the floor next to some power cables.  I have a lot of those two.  some day though, 10 people will want to come over and plug in their computers.  What then?  I had better keep most of them. 

I also have a lot of flashlights.  If the power goes out, i will be screwed, because they are all in the basement in plastic totes, and the totes are labeled, but without a light, how will i see which one has teh lights.  i did NOT think this one through. 

Maybe i will skip the round robin and just put the extra one in the photography box.  I mean that computer box has been complaining for the last 3 days that i have 2 firewire cables and no firewire capable devices, or computers.  If i give in once, it will expect the world out of me.  and i am not buying anything with firewire in it.  Face it steve jobs from 2002.  USB won that battle. 

Things that Didn’t Suck 6-1 to 6-7

1. THE HIGGS MOTHERFUCKING BOSON
So, yeah. It isn’t the end-all and the be-all of physics discoveries that people keep pretending like it is, and it sure as hell isn’t the “god” particle. That’s for lame-os. Nevertheless, it’s the first elementary particle discovered since 1995, and it’s meant that a lot of people are learning something important about physics that wouldn’t otherwise. Equally exciting is the fact that we may have discovered “one of” the higgs bosons. That’s a big goddamn deal. Also: Stephen Hawking lost money on it.

2. FREEDOM FREEDOM FREEDOM OY!
I like days off work, I like stuff that blows up, I like where I live, and I like Eagles. Those guys are majestic. So the U.S.A. It’s pretty much my favorite country. I mean, we’ve got the best fried chicken, and we’ve got the best television, and we have most of the best bands and most of the best movies and easily the best competitive team sport, and without those things we wouldn’t have this blog. Why isn’t it #1? Because Higgs Boson, motherfuckers.

3. Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp on DVD
Sometimes it’s nice to be reminded that the world is a weirder, funnier place than it ought to be. Especially when you find yourself thinking that there’s no way the entertainment media can ever tap anything original or marvelously weird, you find out that something like this exists. Formerly it existed on youtube, and now here it is on a shiny disc you feed to your disc-playing machine. Or, more accurately, as a shiny disc that someone else feeds into their disc-playing machine so you can download it, because y’all are a bunch of cheap people.

4. Interview with dog
This is basically another excuse to link to text from dog, the funniest tumblr on the internet (surpassing the fine Animals Talking in All Caps, and the equally-excellent Yo is this Racist), but also a props to the guy that writes it for being able to move his character out of the usual milieu, mainly because it suggests that we might get more of it, and I’m for more funny things.

5. Free Tacos for Alaskans
I’m not, myself, an Alaskan, nor do I have any particular hope to be. It’s good to know, however, that if I end up there, someone could possibly send me some free tacos. Of course, Pitbull may also be a feature of a different place in Alaska, which I’m also in favor of. Because PEOPLE IN ALASKA DESERVE MUSIC, DAMMIT. Still, they were all Doritos Locos tacos. I’ve not heard whether they were Supreme or not, but as you all know: they ought’ve been.