The 2020 World Fantasy Awards

And, at last, we come to the end of the book-related awards that I write about for real1, the World Fantasy Awards. I started covering them because it was a way to read outside my comfort zone – I don’t, as a matter of course, read much fantasy – while still providing reasonable fodder for the blog, as I have some grounding in the area2. It doesn’t hurt, of course, that they’re sort of the Nebulas for a different genre, which adds some symmetry for the year. Plus, up until this year (and FIYAHCON, specifically) there wasn’t much else going on in the book-awards-world in the fall, at least as far as something I’d be aware enough to comment on. 

1 I also sometimes cover the Goodreads choice awards and/or the Amazon best-sellers lists, but those don’t count because I don’t take them seriously.

2 that is to say, I used to read a lot of fantasy, and still tend to read around where it intersects with horror

The World Fantasy Con this year has gone virtual, as pretty much every other con has. That’s probably fine. The Nebulas managed to happen without too much trouble (as such). The Hugos were, perhaps predictably at this point, a dumpster fire. The World Fantasy Awards are generally better than the Hugos, and worse than the Nebulas, as far as these things go. That said, they’re off to something of a rocky start, to say the least3.

3 or, if you’d like to be less forgiving – and there’s every reason to be less forgiving – a rocky “continuing on the same way they usually do”, see below 

It started when the program appeared online, which resulted in, naturally, people reading the panel descriptions, which most certainly raised some concerns. David Levine, Yilin Wang, Kate Heartfield, Cat Rambo and others dropped over said concerns. Miyuki Jane Pinckard (the author of the tweet linked too at the end of that sentence there) put her concerns in an open letter, which also serves for our purposes here as a pretty good guide to what went wrong with the descriptions and the things that they expressed about the attitudes of the people assembling the World Fantasy Convention.

K. Tempest Bradford also lays out some of the problems that have plagued the convention, and its programming, for some time in this blog post, and she does a much better job of making her case than I, a spirited amateur, would be able to. This is part of a long history of this sort of thing on the part of the the World Fantasy folks4. For their part, the Con changed the programming descriptions and the chairperson, Ginny Smith, responded with a post on the Convention website detailing the steps that were taken to rectify the situation. 

4 long-time readers may feel free to note that the linked blog post includes years where I didn’t know anything was going on, and said as much in these headnotes – turns out I was wrong! 

All of that said, I’m still a person who is interested in awards, and as long as there’s an awards-granting body willing to grant awards, I’m at least somewhat interested in what it is that they’re granting awards to5. You know, within reason. Plus, you know, I read the dang things, so I’m gonna write about them. 

5 NB also that most, if not all, of the problems with the World Fantasy Awards are with the convention and its attendant program, not with the works nominated or the awards-granting process itself. 

So here we go, to name whom amongst the works is the most deserving! Lifetime achievement awards are due to go to Rowena Morrill (a prolific and impressive cover artist with a style that you could probably recognize if you saw it) and Karen Joy Fowler (who wrote “The Pelican Bar” and “Always”, co-founded the James Tiptree, Jr. award, and also wrote The Jane Austen Book Club, which is probably the thin for which she is best known, no matter how much it should be “The Pelican Bar”). It’s all terribly exciting.

As always, I’m skipping the special awards – they’re considered each according to their own rubric, and I’m not enough of an insider to know what that might be, or what’s being evaluated. Unlike previous years, I’m also just straight-up skipping the art category. It’s hard to tell what came out during the period of eligibility, and, genuinely, I don’t know anything about visual art. Maybe I’ll take another stab at it next year. But I still won’t know anything about visual art next year either, so it’s not much of a chance. If you’re dying for my judgement, remember that I almost always give it to Galen Dara, especially in the absence of Victo Ngai. So there you have it.

Onward!

Collection

It’s probably worth saying up front, it’s a shame that the convention is mired in such fuckuppery, because the material this year is about as strong as it’s been since I started writing about the World Fantasy Awards (six years ago!). Even the least of these collections is pretty good, and it’s all pretty worthwhile.

John Horner Jacobs’ A Lush and Seething Hell, then, is the least of these collections. It’s two long-ish novellas, each of which is concerned with the pursuit of art and the way that it damages the people doing the pursuing. The first, and much stronger, story, “The Eye” sees a woman follow a firebrand poet into some pretty extreme ends. It handles its supernatural elements6 well, and really sticks the landing. The second story, “My Heart Struck Sorrow” is a little saggier, and is a little busier – it’s a story within a story, and the embedded story is basically a series of loosely-related digressions – and doesn’t quite work as well, but has some moments in telling the story of a musicologist researching the origins of what appears to be a very specific version of “Stagger Lee”7 that are very effective. 

6 or are they? The supernaturality/lack thereof is an element of both stories, certainly, and it’s one of the more effective elements at that. 

7 honestly, this story should have been total catnip for me, and I think it’s the baroque plotting that prevented me from engaging with it as much as I obviously wanted to. 

Brian Evenson’s Song for the Unravelling of the World isn’t the best collection here, but it’s possibly the most fun8. It’s also the one here that had some material that just did not work for me. That said, some of it was tremendously effective – I liked “:Line of Sight” when I read it in Shadows and Tall Trees 7, and actually managed to mention “The Second Door,” both for the Shirley Jackson Awards a few years ago, and had  read the effective Twilight Zone-style “The Smear” elsewhere. Of the stories I wasn’t familiar with, the similar “The Hole” and “The Tower” both deal with haunted locations that change the people that approach them. Evenson’s interest in film’s ability to capture what’s there, rather than what we see, comes into play in the aforementioned “Line of Sight”, where the titular lines of sight are wrong, but also in the wonderful, entertaining, almost-shaggy-dog-ish, “Lather of Flies,” which turns the tale of a man’s quest to find a film into something much weirder, and the tense “Room Tone,” which also manages to capture the mania of sound people. Evenson also makes better use than just about anyone in this set of nominees with brevity – “Glasses,” “No Matter Which Way We Turned” and “Cardiacs” all make excellent use of very little time and space, making their scary mark effectively. “Sisters” is a terrific story about some Very Weird little girls (well, not little girls) slash Halloween decorations. “A Disappearance” and “Song for the Unraveling of the World” make their hay out of the horror of being family, or of having the wrong sort of family anyway. “Wanderlust” brings a sort of trippy reality-questioning into the fold. “Kindred Spirit” deals more directly with self-identity than the other stories here, and is a little more serious than most. The high point of the book, at least as far as I’m concerned is the tense “Menno,” about a man’s fanatical paranoia. 

8 although, you know, see below for what I have to say about Nino Cipri

Molly Gloss’s Unforeseen is almost uneven – there’s nothing here that doesn’t belong, as such, but not everything is as good as the best stuff. “Interlocking Pieces”9 is a good story about a new kind of colonialism, and “Joining” comes back around on a similar topic at the end of story, albeit this time about a more willing sharing of brain activity/space. A horse figures prominently on the cover, and many of the stories have a pastoral bent, from “The Blue Roan,” a small realistic story about a debt and how to pay it, to “Downstream”, in which the horse fulfills its usual metaphorical purpose for a woman in a bad situation, and perhaps climaxing with “Lambing Season,” which won a bunch of awards when it came out, and deals with a very strange sort of alien encounter, and the shepherd who has it. “The Presley Brothers” is a nifty bit of alternate history in which Elvis’s brother had lived10. “Seaborne” and “The Everlasting Humming of the Earth” both deal, in their ways, with supernatural gifts that aren’t nearly as useful as the people in the world around the characters with the gifts seem to think they are. “Eating Ashes” and “Dead Men Rise Up” are both, in very different ways, about how we deal with the past, and how it shapes us. Especially recommended are the title story, in which what seems like an insurance adjuster turns out to be something else, and the mundane evils of privilege turn out to be far harder to root out than even the most sure of sure things, and the incredible “Personal Silence,” about a man who is travelling to make a point, and the cost of war. All told, the high points are as high as just about anything, and the book only really drops in my estimation by comparison to the other, more consistent books here nominated. 

9 which I know from one of the earliest volumes of the Gardner Dozois Best Science Fiction of the Year series – I think it’s in the third one.

10 and, if I’m being honest, gives us a much more erudite Elvis than we actually had, which I suppose could be part of the fiction, or could just make for a better read. 

Nino Cipri’s Homesick was an absolutely top-flight collection, whose rightfulness is affected only by, well, see below. All of it is a highlight, really – there isn’t a clinker in there. “Silly Little Love Story” is the best love story between a person and their closet poltergeist I’ve ever read. “Which Super Little Dead Girl™ are you?” is a magazine quiz, of course. “Dead Air” is the first thing I read by them, and is a pretty good starting point – it does a great job of modernizing the town where Things Are Wrong, and how that affects the people who are there. “She Hides Sometimes” sees someone making some lovely adjustments due to their mother’s dementia. “Let Down, Set Free” is a letter that, in part, details the benefits of unnatural invasive species. “The Shape of My Name” is a fantastic time-travel story11 about acceptance and family. “Not an Ocean, but a Sea” has its titular sea in a very strange place. “Presque Vu” is as weird as the collection gets, at least conceptually, but is also a tremendous story about the human capacity to render just about anything that happens regularly as “mundane”, and how that mundanity takes shape. “Before We Disappear Like Star Stuff” also deals with its own sort of mundanity – the longest story here, it deals with an argument between academics about space weasels, partly because of their academic attitudes toward them and partly because of their knotty interpersonal relationships. It also has, probably, the best ending in the book. Highly recommended, go read it, it would have probably won in any other year. 

11 they really play all the right notes, subject-matter-wise, as far as I’m concerned

Sarah Pinsker is one of the very best people writing stories currently, and Sooner or Later Everything Falls Into the Sea collects the ones that she’s written so far. Since I’ve gone on and on about some of them – “A Stretch of Highway Two Lanes Wide,” “Sooner or Later Everything Falls Into the Sea”, “And Then There Were (N-One)”12, especially “Wind Will Rove” and very most especially “Our Lady of the Open Road” – already, I’ll just point people to the search function, or, even better, tell everyone to just go read them. “And We Were Left Darkling” is a sort of recasting of Close Encounters if instead of abandoning his family, Richard Dreyfuss had wanted to expand it. “Remembery Day” is a beautiful story whether it’s better to remember than not to remember the worst things that have happened in one’s life. “The Low Hum of Her” is about a golem, and the refugee family to whom she belongs. “Talking to the Dead” is about a mismatch between one person’s inner gift and another person’s business lust13. “The Sewell Home for the Temporally Displaced” does pretty much what it says on the tin, and neither overexplains its position nor overstays its welcome. “In Joy, Knowing the Abyss Behind” is about  the wife who survived an architect who definitely had to live with having done some things that caused him problems. “No Lonely Seafarer” is about what a pain in the neck sirens would be, and a novel attempt to get past them. “The Narwhal” is about a woman who didn’t know what her mother was doing, and said mother’s very strange car, as told by a different woman that the first woman hired to drive with her across the country. All told, it’s all wonderful, and every story is worthy of lavish praise. But, you know, after you’re done with it, definitely also ready Homesick. I think this is as close to a tie as its ever been.

12 actually, in the interest of full disclosure, my praise for “Highway” and “(N-One”) were somewhat more measured – I don’t think I was quite able to figure out what she was doing with “Highway” when I first read it, and “(N-One)” is a murder mystery. 

13 Actually, that’s not what it’s about at all, but I find it hard to sum that one in a pithy fashion. 

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Sarah Pinsker, Sooner or Later, Everything Falls Into the Sea

Anthology

This category, then, is for books with more than one contributing author. It’s not quite got the sky-high quality level of the collections category, but it’s an above-average group of books that were pretty much all worth reading. 

The Ellen Datlow-edited Echoes: The Saga Anthology of Ghost Stories is a galumphing bit of work. It is, as one could tell, a very large volume of ghost stories. It is also the case, as it is every year, that while the inestimable Ms. Datlow obviously deserves all of the praise due someone who’s been as successful and long-running at her job as she has, it is also the case that we almost certainly do not agree about what makes something a great ghost story. That said, this is generally fine. There are roughly ten thousand million stories in there, so I’ll try to be brief about the highlights14. Lee Thomas’ “Whimper Beg” is a ghost dog revenge story. Richard Kadrey’s “A Hinterlands Haunting” is one of the most entertaining of the stories here, about a man who wants to meet up with his ghost wife on the one day a year when he can do that. M.L. Siemienowicz’s “the Number of Things You Remember” does a great job with its setting of a train car, and thus a finicky phone connection15. Seanan McGuire’s “Must Be This Tall to Ride” sees the sort of ghost that demands a sacrificing making some surprising adjustments. Joyce Carol Oates’s “The Surviving Child” is a twisty story about a poet in a terrible marriage, and the way her family comes apart (such as it is). Richard Bowes’s “Icarus Rising” sees the ghost of an artist try to rejoin the art scene that he died amidst. Gemma Files’s “The Puppet Motel” is about  the caretaker of a haunted Air B&B. Nick Mamatas’s “Air Valve Semilunar Astern” is actually an exceptionally good story about a very strange possession. An F. Marion Crawford story is always welcome, and “the Upper Berth”, despite a whole lot of use of the word “portmanteau” to not mean words made from smashing together other words, is a great story about a haunted ship. Aliette de Bodard’s “A Burning Sword For Her Cradle” is about ancestral magic and immigrants and sisters. Stephen Graham Jones’s “the Tree of Self-Knowledge” is a relatively straightforward (but effective) story about a small-town haunting. Alice Hoffman’s “the Other Woman” is about the trouble with determining just what (or who), exactly, is haunted. Bracken MacLeod’s “The Loneliness of Not Being Haunted” does what it says in the title, and is a very good story about obsession with a high-quality “ghosting” pun in the last line. Jeffrey Ford’s “The Jeweled Wren” is about a couple’s curiosity about a haunted house. Siobhan Carroll’s “The Air, The Ocean, the Earth, the Deep” involves a ghost that’s moving through a detention camp in the DRC16. Carole Johnstone’s “Deep, Fast, Green” is an incredibly gorgeous story about a man who’s haunted by a boat, and it’s worth soldiering through the eye dialect to get to it. John Langan’s “Nadya, Queen of the Hungry Dogs” has someone going to great lengths to make sure things are right for their sister, after a fashion. Obviously, as one can tell from all this, there’s plenty of good stuff here, but there’s so much of it, and it’s of such wildly different style and tone, that I’m not sure I can get with it as a book. If you don’t read it straight through it might just work. 

14 Oh, and because I feel like I’m the only person tracking this: the Dale Bailey story here, while not precisely a highlight, definitely does not break his streak of describing a woman as “long”. There is a lady. Her length is addressed. The world may carry on. 

15 it probably also deserves an award for the most number of uses of the word “couchette”

16 it also takes place in a future that is currently in the grips of a deadly respiratory virus, which is, you know, fun.

Mahvesh Murad & Jared Shurin’s The Outcast Hours is another book that spans a tonne of different tones and even genres. The tying-together theme of the book is that all of the stories take place in the middle of the night. Some are supernatural, some completely mundane. Some are scary, some tense, some just weird, and some are, unfortunately, kind of tedious. It’s got plenty of good bits – very few of the stories, like in the other collections, are actually bad as such – but it’s also probably the swingiest here, given the amount of ground it covers with such a loose theme. Sam Bessbecker, Lauren Beukes and Dale Halvorsen got together to write “This Book Will Find You,” a story about a woman bringing the TA that she was having a fling with back to life, with some surprises along the way. Will Hill’s “It Was a Different Time” delivers a tense story about a former film producer on the edge of losing his reputation, a gun, and a hotel worker. Sami Shah’s “Ambulance Service” is about ghostbusting paramedics. Frances Hardinge’s “A Blind Eye” is about the difficulties with the care and keeping of a literally demonic toddler. Silvia Moreno-Garcia’s “Sleep Walker” is about a resident of a small town who escorts a tourist to a show, from which the tourist is Changed. Lavie Tidhar’s “The Bag Man” is about the goings-on in a Tel Aviv crime circle, and an old man who is unhappy with it. M Suddain’s “Midnight Marauders” is about a showdown between a post-apocalyptic town’s new pharmacist and the old, as performed by the loyalists to the old one. Genevieve Valentine’s “Everyone Knows They’re Dead, Do You?” is detailed below, but is excellent. Indrapramit Das’s17 “The Patron Saint of Night Puppers” is about dogs, really, and how great dogs are, and also a deeply strange world that exists primarily to support dogs. Yay dogs! Karen Onojaife’s “Tilt” sees a gambling addict make a deal for one more spin. Amira Salah-Ahmed’s “In the Blink of an Eye” is a lovely mundane story about a couple of Muslims who work at a night club. SL Grey’s “The Dental Gig” is about what happens when the gig economy reaches even the supernatural. Jesse Bullington’s “Above the Light” is about friends who like to go on hikes 18 Cecilia Ekback’s “Dark Matters” is told from the perspective of a little girl who can see that Death and Resurrection have moved in with her family. Yukimi Ogawa’s “Welcome to the Haunted House” is a really great story about a truly bizarre sideshow attraction, and the yoke of oppression. William Boyle’s “The Lock-In” might be the best story here, and is about a church lock-in, a highly believable teenager, and her reaction to the way she’s treated and the things she’s told. Kuzhali Manickavel’s “A Partial Beginner’s Guide to the Lucy Temerlin Home for Broken Shapeshifters” is a set of rules that sketches out its story, and is a good, funny ending to the book. 

17 of whose work I was largely unaware until this year, and whom I’m now pretty well hooked on, after his showing in the stuff I’ve read this year

18 I mean, there’s some other stuff too, but really, this book covers a lot of ground.

Nisi Shawl’s New Suns was also something of an uneven reading experience although, in this case, it comes down to my own taste (some of the stories were pretty emphatically not my thing) rather than any actual quality barrier. Highlights include Tobias S. Buckell’s funny “The Galactic Tourist Industrial Complex”, which sees the life of a driver in a world that’s become a tourism hub for intergalactic travelers. Minsoo Kang’s “The Virtue of Unfaithful Translations” gives us a very unorthodox way of bringing about a peace treaty. Stephen Barnes’s “Come Home to Atropos” finds pioneering new ways to market tourism. Chinelo Onwualu’s “The Fine Print” is the best sort of genie story. Alex Jennings’s “The Unkind Mercy” is a genuinely-scary story about a particular kind of invasion. Jaymee Goh’s “The Freedom of the Shifting Seas” is about love and a peculiar sea monster. E. Lily Yu’s “Three Variations on a Theme of Imperial Attire” is, indeed, a triptych of versions of “The Emperor’s New Clothes,” and is very effective. Silvia Moreno-Garcia’s “Give Me Your Black Wings, O Sister” is a short, effective story about a witch on public transit. Indrapramit Das’s “The Shadow We Cast Through Hell” shows us a novel potential difficulty of sharing a planet. Andrea Hairston’s “Dumb House” is a highly-enjoyable story about a woman who steadfastly refuses to modernize. Hiromi Goto’s “One Easy Trick” is a surprising story about a woman who loses, and then finds, her belly fat. Rounding out the high points is Darcie Little Badger’s “Kelsey and the Burdened Breaths,” which, in addition to having probably the best prose in the book, also presents the best supernatural situation.

After years of being here19, Navah Wolfe & Dominik Parisien have finally put together a set of stories that appealed to me in the form of The Mythic Dream. Of course, it probably would be, given that it’s a collection of many of the genre’s best (and best-known) writers coming together to tackle stories based on myths, from the very familiar to the obscure. Seanan Maguire gives us “Phantoms of the Midway,” which is a lovely ghost story. The inestimable T. Kingfisher’s “Fisher Bird” 20 tells a story about someone who was only too happy to help Hercules. JY Yang’s “Bridge of Crows” also deals in tales of heroic birds, delightfully. Arkady Martine’s “Labbatu Takes Command of the Flagship Heaven Dwells Within” moves one of the most interesting aspects of The Epic of Gilgamesh into space, where it is awesome. Sarah Gailey’s “Thetis” recasts Achilles’s mother, who is so often denied agency or character, as someone who just wants to be out of it all. Carlos Hernandez’s “¡Cuidado! ¡Que Viene El Coco!” is about how unexpected outcomes in dealing with the long-term effects of mental illness, and also coconuts (obviously). Stephen Graham Jones’s “He Fell Howling” actually expands its original story, making Lycaeon responsible for much more than just “the thing we call werewolves when we’re being formal”21. Jeffrey Ford’s “Sisyphus in Elysium” is accurately-titled, but also manages to deal with the way that we form relationships. I’m a total sucker for any Sisyphus story, so obviously this one was probably my favorite. Indrapramit Das continues his rampage through my awareness with the wonderful, indomitable “Kali_Na”. Alyssa Wong wrote a revenge story I actually liked (not having murder involved helps) in “Live Stream”. John Chu’s “Close Enough for Jazz” is about intellectual property, really, and a very obscure apple-holder in Norse mythology (Idunn), as well as said apples. Naomi Novik’s “Buried Deep” is a retelling of the story of Ariadne and her brother. It does not end like stories of Ariadne and her brother usually do. Carmen Maria Machado’s terrific “The Things Eric Eats Before He Eats Himself” also does what it says in the title. Amal El-Mohtar finally wrote a story that I like unreservedly and with great gusto in the form of “Florilegia, or Some Lies About Flowers,” revisiting the story of Blodeuwedd, who is made of flowers, and who teaches us that flowers are made of some really weird stuff. It’s a very good collection, and it falls only because of the effectiveness and scope of the rightful winner. 

19 and I think this is the last one

20 because of course

21 “lycanthropes”, for my readers that have never owned a Monster Manual

As previously discussed in this space, I go back and forth about whether to include “Best Of” type collections. In this case, however, Jeff & Ann Vandermeer’s The Big Book of Classic Fantasy is much more than that. Part genre-wide survey, part magpie’s collection, the book ranges all over the world, through traditions, genres and disciplines, to bring a more-or-less thorough22 survey of premodern fantasy. It’s very long, and has hundreds of stories in it, so I’m not going to do the usual rounding-up, but if only for putting so much necessary and curious early material in one place, and for bringing to light things that were unjustly obscured by time or circumstance, it deserves all sorts of accolades.

22 if, by necessity, incomplete

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Ann & Jeff Vandermeer, The Big Book of Classic Fantasy

Short Fiction

Alright! Now onto the categories where I only have to evaluate one thing at a time! This field was a little less competitive than the other ones. In fact, a couple of pieces were even downright disappointing. 

Genevieve Valentine’s “Everybody Knows That They’re Dead, Do You?” has a pretty good story within it, and wraps that story in a framing device that is, frankly, unsuccessful. As a ghostly-obsession type story, it would probably work, but the story of a woman who is married to a cop who has some reasons to be haunted is periodically shot through with “study questions” which are, I guess, supposed to guide the reader into how to think about how the information is presented. This seems unnecessary, and serves several times to break up any narrative momentum the story might have. There may be readers for whom this device is a functional one, but I am not among their number. 

I like Rivers Solomon’s “Blood is Another Word for Hunger” as much as I’ve ever liked a Rivers Solomon story, and about as much as I can like a murder revenge story (more or less). It’s got some nice touches, some reasonably good horror elements, and I like the ending. It’s fine, and I’ve written about it previously. 

I’ve written about Sarah Pinsker’s “the Blur in the Corner of Your Eye” previously – a couple of times, really – and it’s still fine. It’s a murder mystery, I feel it would be better if it prioritized the thing that’s treated as the reveal and spent more time on it, but it’s not my story, so it doesn’t really matter what I think. If I call it a disappointing Sarah Pinsker story, it’s only because I have such high expectations at this point (see above, and, you know, almost everything else I’ve ever written about her). 

Jerome Stueart’s “Postlude to the Afternoon of a Faun” is a riff on an old-timey jazzbo who gets caught up with the wrong crowd, except in this case the jazzbo is a faun with a magic clarinet. The wrong student walks through his door and brings the past with him, see? And then he has to deal with the fallout, only to find out that the real magic was inside him all along. It’s a pretty good story.

Siobhan Carroll’s “For He Can Creep” is also addressed in much of the previous awards-writing-abouts, and it’s still a very good, enjoyable story about a very good, loyal cat and the poet that he protects. It’s not quite the winner here, but it almost was, and I’ve read it more times than any of the stories here, so it might actually be the most enjoyable. 

Maria Dahvana Headley’s “Burn After Reading” is, as one might expect given that it’s the great and powerful MDH, the best thing here. It’s about a world where books are outlawed, so people become books and, like all the best MDH stories, it efficiently and effectively builds out its world and characters so well that it seems like it’s much longer than it is (I mean this as a compliment – it’s thorough without being dense, and covers a lot of ground without overstaying its welcome). MDH doesn’t win as many awards as she’s due, but she’s due this one anyway.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Maria Dahvana Headley, “Burn After Reading” 

Novella

Usually it’s the case with the World Fantasy Awards that the Collection and Anthology categories have some real slogging to do, and the other categories are generally easier to swallow. This year, nothing was as bad as it can be sometimes, but a lot of the short stories and novellas just weren’t as good as they can be. Nothing here is actively bad, as with the other categories, but even the best among these would have lost in the last few years. It’s an interesting cycle. 

Rivers Solomon’s  the Deep has come up before, and I’m still not really on the same wavelength as Rivers Solomon, and it still doesn’t do nearly as much for me as the clipping.23 song upon which it’s based. This is probably the thing on this list (meaning all of the WFA nominees as a whole) that has the most mileage in which to vary – it’s probably very good if it’s even remotely up your alley, but it’s really not anywhere near mind. 

23 the members of clipping. are, in fact, listed as co-authors on the World Fantasy Awards site. 

Nathan Ballingrud’s The Butcher’s Table is fine. It’s about a group of Satanists who wish to go to Hell, and then get exactly what they wish for, told in a series of sort-of interlocking stories. It’s got a lot of style, and the prose is pretty good, but it’s probably too long, and there’s a huge chunk of the middle that gets kind of bogged down. The beginning and end are very good, though, and some of the world stuff is very impressively done, especially the stuff about the way and reason for the raising of the kid. It’ll make sense when you get there.  

Emily Tesh’s Silver in the Wood is about a wood spirit, his lover, and his lover’s mother, and the way that they all have to learn to survive amid one another. It was fine, and I really enjoyed reading it at the time24. It suffers some from being the setup to a longer tale, and thus seeming to hold some of its story back, but it does pretty well for a planned series installment. Good world-building, pretty good characters and an interesting situation are all set up here, with little actual payoff. 

24 although I’ll have to read it again if I go on to read the other parts of it – it didn’t really stick with me

CSE Cooney’s Desdemona and the Deep is a much better story about interplanar travel and interactions with demons. It primarily concerns a very privileged young lady trying to come to terms with the origin of her family’s wealth and power in a deeply unequal society. It does what it does very well, doesn’t come in too long or too short, tells a complete story, and is deeply satisfying. If there were a bunch more like this one, this category would have been a lot better off. 

Seanan McGuire’s In An Absent Dream, then, is the best thing here. It’s probably my favorite of the Wayward Children books so far. It provides a backstory for a character from the first WC book, and that back story turns out to involve a goblin market, in which she learns that rules are rules, and that there are consequences for her actions. It was such a relief to read a book in which a character is not Goethe-style saved from the negative stakes established in the beginning that I may have an over-fond sense of appreciation for it, but it’s a well-told story that is odd in all the right places, and I’m happy to call it the rightful winner.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Seanan McGuire, In An Absent Dream

Novel

And finally we come to the novels. This category was actually all pretty high-quality, especially compared to previous years. A couple of these could have won in just about any year, and it was hard to decide which one was the rightful winner. Ultimately, however, it’s my website, and therefore my taste that dictates the correct answer. So there. 

Kacen Callender’s Queen of the Damned is the one that probably wasn’t in the running. It wins full marks for its unique premise and its approach to its character – it’s an own voices historical fantasy about an alternate-universe Caribbean, in which some people have superpowers/magic usage, and this is heavily policed. The exciting bits (and it’s definitely worth a read if it sounds good) are that it’s explicitly about someone who is trying to work within the privileged part of society to bring down the system of slavery around them. It turns out to be quite a twisty story, and has a couple of elements at the end that were genuinely, delightfully surprising. My issue with connecting with it all the way was in the style. Specifically25, there is a lot of time spent with the point of view character analyzing how someone’s history affects the current interaction, and telling the reader explicitly what the person wants out of it, and how they plant to get it, then having the interaction, then doing the whole thing again the next time we see that character. A little bit less of that sort of thing, and this would be much higher up in my estimation. Maybe the sequel irons that out. 

25 and it could be for plot reasons – the character can read minds, and this might be the author’s way of expressing that power, but it’s still pretty excessive, even if that’s the case

Alix E.Harrow’s The Ten Thousand Doors of January is a book that I’ve covered pretty thoroughly. It’s also very good, with very effective prose and a surprising take on the portal fantasy. Great work, everybody. And Now I’m out of things to say about it, officially. 

Tamsyn Muir’s Gideon the Ninth is another one that I’ve written a lot about. It’s a good book that has basically everything you could want out of a fantasy book. It’s huge and sweeping and ambitious in all the right ways, and it manages to make a locked-room (or, well, locked-tomb, since that’s the series title) mystery seem compelling to me, a person who usually does not like that sort of thing. It probably could have won in any previous year. 

Ann Leckie’s The Raven Tower is another of the ones that really could have won in any previous year. It’s a story from the point of view of an inanimate object (kind of), and also about power, and how that is accrued and used. It does a fantastic job of presenting the priorities of, say, a rock who is also a deity, as being completely different from those of the people around it – whether they serve it or not. The ending is terrific and complete26, and there’s literally nothing about it that could be any better. 

26 it’s a standalone! Praise Leckie!

Yoko Ogawa’s The Memory Police is probably the actually rightful winner. It takes place on an island where the titular memory police keep removing things from the memories of people, except for the people who are able to remember. The amount of humanity and emotional depth that Ogawa brings out of that already-weird premise is incredible, and while it’s safe to say that the story ends in pretty much the only place it could, it still came as a huge surprise. The prose, even allowing for translation, is wonderful, and the story itself is likely to stick with me for a very long time.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Yoko Ogawa, The Memory Police

A Considered Look at the Rolling Stone 500 Greatest Albums of All Time, Part 1

So, an ongoing feature of the site for the last few years has been a series of posts taking a Considered Look at various and sundry lists of things, and in this particular instance, Rolling Stone has delivered unto me A List, and the prospect of sinking the ol’ chompers into an arbitrary list of a once-dominant institution’s picks for greatness is simply too much to bear.

This is the third version of this list, and stands in stark contrast to its original incarnation. In 2003, it was largely RS leading the readers through how to be correct and in 2020, it’s largely RS trying to show readers (or prospective readers) that their opinions are still worthy of consideration.

To what extent any of this works is, of course, up to individual interpretation. 

It makes perfect sense that this would be the time to reconsider a list made by a bunch of old people seventeen years ago – the ideas of what are and are not institutionally acceptable are under examination, and people are talking about the way in which people can be inclusive and broader-horizoned in terms of their own artistic consumption. There’s been a lot of re-considering, and it makes sense that a giant (well, as giant as any publication can be) music magazine would be one that revised its institutional opinion. 

That said, the important thing is the fact of the list itself, which is exactly the sort of high-minded ridiculousness that I’m deeply enthralled by. They touted that they had 300 people vote in a staggered points-assigning system, with several thousand albums in consideration, and tabulated it numerically. 

So does this mean it’s a reasonable version of a consensus list? Do they succeed? Does what they’re doing even make sense? Let’s find out!

I’ll be evaluating every album – all 500 of them – to let you all know exactly how right or wrong the folks that return Rolling Stone’s calls are

Arcade Fire – Funeral

WHAT IT IS: The last even-kind-of-good Arcade Fire album. It’s their second album, and sort of represents the end of their original sound.

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: People still love the Arcade Fire, and while Funeral is no The Holy Bible, it’s got more of the songs that were “hits”, insofar as AF had hits. This is also the one that was nominated for a Grammy, so if you wanted a more fact-based argument for its inclusion, this is the one that you’d have a stronger case for. 

BUT IS IT GREAT: It’s ok. AF have exactly one great moment (“No Cars Go”), but there are worse things than Funeral, and if they approached greatness twice, the second time is “Wake Up”. 

Rufus & Chaka Khan – Ask Rufus

WHAT IT IS: The last Rufus album to feature their original (and best) drummer. It’s a pretty good example of late-seventies studio-funk, for all that. 

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: The story of the album makes it memorable1, certainly. “At Midnight” and “Everlasting Love” are pretty great singles, and I suppose if you were connected to funk music as a necessary inclusion, this would be a pretty straight-up choice.

1 the slow-motion disintegration of the band upon the entry of Chaka Khan, who brought considerable personal turmoil with her

BUT IS IT GREAT: I prefer the album before it (which somehow didn’t make the list), but this one’s fine. I don’t know about great – it’s got too much studio-construction and not enough band-playing-together for great, but it’s fine. 

Suicide – Suicide

WHAT IT IS: The debut album by two guys didn’t let the fact that all they have is a voice, a tinny organ thing and a primitive drum machine stop them from being one of the most wildly inventive, aggressive bands ever to walk the Earth.

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: Suicide is a genuinely unique experience. There aren’t other albums like it, even after years of people taking elements of this record for themselves. Obviously, enough of the people willing to send ballots back to RS were able to recognize this.

BUT IS IT GREAT: Unquestionably. I haven’t made a list of my favorite albums in some time (although, I probably will by the end of this), but I’m comfortable saying that this is at least 450 slots too low. 

Various Artists – The Indestructible Beat of Soweto

WHAT IT IS: The eighties brought a lot of attention to African music of all sorts of descriptions, and this is a compilation of South African guitar music (mbqanga). It’s noteworthy for being one of the first international outlets for eventual superstars Ladysmith Black Mambazo

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: It was a huge step for people that wanted to hear African music. 

BUT IS IT GREAT: Sure. It’s got some pretty cool moments. I’m not as into it as I am into the more Northern-originating (and older) afrobeat stuff, but also I’m a white American, so I’m not sure how much that enteres into it. 

Shakira – Dónde Están los Ladrones

WHAT IT IS: Shakira’s breakthrough album, and a huge moment for South American pop music.

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: Latin Pop music is a huge marketing segment now, and this was a watershed record in that development over the last twenty years.

BUT IS IT GREAT: It’s fine. It’s not my cup of tea, but I have no objections. 

Boyz II Men – II

WHAT IT IS: The apotheosis of mid-nineties R&B

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: If you were alive in 1995 and have any interest in R&B, this is an album you’d be deeply familiar with, and that, frankly, probably had considerable influence. 

BUT IS IT GREAT: Yep. I was very hard on it at the time, because I was twelve, and dumb, and thought I was above this stuff, but as a fully-grown person who’s pretty comfortable with his own tastes, this is a great record. I don’t know if it’s “Top 500” great, but I’m happy to have it in the world. 

The Ronettes – Presenting the Fabulous Ronettes

WHAT IT IS: The only album by the Ronettes

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: The Ronettes are a particular favorite among people who have even a passing interest in girl group-type pop, as well as, you know, a bunch of other people. I’m surprised it’s this low, honestly. 

BUT IS IT GREAT: Hard to say. It’s deeply, entirely not my thing, but it’s hard to argue with the way that people react to it.

Marvin Gaye – Here, My Dear

WHAT IT IS: An album whose story largely precedes it. Marvin Gaye was due to give his ex-wife all of the profits from the next album he made, so the next album he made was this one, which he designed to be unlikable, if not unlistenable. 

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: The story is pretty good, or at least pretty funny, which makes it memorably, and it has, over the years, acquired a sort of contrarian response by people who want to “well actually” a record that, at its best, sounds like Marvin Gaye being intentionally weird and/or abrasive. 

BUT IS IT GREAT: Not actually, but bless everyone’s heart for trying. 

Bonnie Raitt- Nick of Time

WHAT IT IS: Bonnie Raitt’s most beloved album. 

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: This record is an obvious choice both for its extreme popularity, and the fact that it has an easy-to-grab-onto story attached to it2 – she’d been dropped by Warner Brothers, she had to break up her band because she couldn’t afford them, she broke up with her partner, the whole ball of wax. It’s a redemption story. 

2 a phenomenon I’ll get into a little farther down the line

BUT IS IT GREAT: I don’t particularly care for Bonnie Raitt’s music – it’s pretty of-its-time, and electric guitar blues is never my speed. 

Harry Styles – Fine Line

WHAT IT IS: The newest album on the list, certainly. I don’t think an album with singles still being released has ever made the RS500.

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: A need to show a respect for current stuff, I guess? The fact that this comes with a pop star with some serious old-timey rock star leanings2 is probably just icing on the cake for the RS constituency. 

2 and, for the record, I love Harry Styles and his old-timey rock star leanings. 

BUT IS IT GREAT: It’s a lot of fun, certainly. 

Linda Ronstadt – Heart Like a Wheel

WHAT IT IS: Linda Ronstadt’s breakthrough album. Or, if you prefer, the one with “You’re No Good” on it. 

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: So there is a thing that’s going to happen periodically, here, mostly at the bottom of the chart, where a person is granted entry onto the list for, basically, their whole body of work. I imagine the process goes “I think Linda Ronstadt is great, and I guess this is the album I must include, because I must include a Linda Ronstadt album.” I’m not saying there aren’t people that genuinely love this record, I’m just saying that there are – and this is purely speculative, but I think it makes sense – more people who would rather see LR on the list, and picked this album as representative. 

BUT IS IT GREAT: Linda Ronstadt was, at best, a singles person, and so none of her albums are “great” as such. But this is the one with “You’re No Good” on it. 

Phil Spector & Various Artists – Back to Mono

WHAT IT IS: Genuinely this is a box set. It’s not the only one to appear on the list. It’s a damned box set. 

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: Look, Phil Spector was a genius. An insane, terrible person, but an insane, terrible person who really knew how to make pop music sound good. Insofar as that goes, if one must hear the pudding3 of the greatness, then this is probably the way to do that. I’m on the fence about how much we should still be lionizing this psychotic abuser, but there’s more people’s work involved here than just his. That said, clearly lots of people think that we should be considering the art as separate from the person., and here he is. 

3 you know, the pudding with the proof in it

BUT IS IT GREAT: The music is very good, and some of it is genuinely great. I’ll grapple with the compilation/box set thing when I’m less annoyed at the, you know, murdering someone/abusing his wife all the time/threatening lots of people with guns aspects of this one. 

The Stooges – The Stooges

WHAT IT IS: The second best Stooges album, and the one with “I Wanna Be Your Dog” on it

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: Well, “I Wanna Be Your Dog” is basically “Louie Louie” for anyone born too late to learn to play “Louie Louie”. The Stooges were perhaps the greatest rock band ever to walk the Earth, and while their first album pales before their second album (see later), it’s still a document of considerable might. 

BUT IS IT GREAT: It sure is

Black Flag – Damaged

WHAT IT IS: The finest full-length hardcore record ever made. 

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: Hardcore was a stupid, but very popular genre, that lots of people that are into aggressive music have a period of time being into. This record is one only a few to last through that phase, as most of the music isn’t good enough to age into at all. It’s a record that, like most hardcore, deals in some pretty solipsistic, unthoughtful, immature stuff, and as such, can be satisfying when one’s solipsistic, unthoughtful, immature impulses need to be fed. 

BUT IS IT GREAT: Yep. 

John Mayer – Continuum

WHAT IT IS:aaaaahahahahahahahahaha

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

BUT IS IT GREAT: no.

Richard and Linda Thompson – I Want to See the Bright Lights Tonight

WHAT IT IS: Richard Thompson married one of the studio singers on his debut album, and said marriage begat a musical partnership which was highly fruitful. 

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: It’s not the harrowing, falling apart Shoot Out the Lights4, but it’s an excellent folk-rock album. Richard Thompson is a virtuoso, they sing well together, the songs are great. This is, as far as I’m concerned, a pretty platonic example of the “near the bottom of a list of the best albums of all times” choice. 

4 which is the best record with both of their names on it, and is, criminally, not represented here

BUT IS IT GREAT: It is, although I don’t know if it would make my own personal list. I mean, it definitely would get bumped in favor of Shoot out the Lights, as previously mentioned. 

Lady Gaga – Born This Way

WHAT IT IS: Lady Gaga has always made huge, popular, interesting (well, up until the last couple, anyway) albums. This is the hugest, most popular, most interesting one. 

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: As far as pop music worth remembering front he last decade or so, Born This Way has about as much claim as just about anything that isn’t actually an R&B record. Also, we’re currently (as of the time of the publication of this list, and of this writing) living through a weird patch of disco revivalism, that I think Lady Gaga is in no small way responsible for. 

BUT IS IT GREAT: I like it plenty. 

Muddy Waters – The Anthology

WHAT IT IS: The blues.

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: It’s the blues. 

BUT IS IT GREAT: Nah, I’m good. 

The Pharcyde – Bizarre Ryde II the Pharcyde

WHAT IT IS: A hugely important and influential west-coast alternative rap album. 

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: It is, for people somewhat older than me, part of a hugely influential ground zero – the Pharcyde were fun, funny and, while there are other albums among its cohort that it resembled, it wasn’t much like anything that came before it. 

BUT IS IT GREAT: If I had one of the early-nineties West-coast alt-rap dudes on here, it would be Del, but while I almost never go reaching for this record for funsies, it’s enormously important, and I’m glad to see it here. 

Belle and Sebastian – If You’re Feeling Sinister

WHAT IT IS: Belle and Sebastian are a Scottish art-pop band, seemingly inescapable in the late nineties/early oughts. This is their best-regarded album5

5 obviously, since it’s the only Belle and Sebastian album here

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: I will say that If You’re Feeling Sinister does find the band in an interesting spot. Their one album before it, Tigermilk, is a very different beast, recorded mostly live and very quickly. In IYFS some more produced instincts take over, and everything is well-arranged and, well, quite tasteful. I can’t think of another way to put it. They would sort of pursue the sound they figured out on this record for the rest of their career (with varying degrees of success), but this is the first time Belle and Sebastian sounded like Belle and Sebastian, and it’s pretty clearly the album on which everyone who likes Belle and Sebstian can agree upon. 

BUT IS IT GREAT: Well, it’s no Tigermilk, that’s for sure, but it does have “Like Dylan in the Movies,” which is obviously the best Belle and Sebastian song. 

Miranda Lambert – the Weight of These Wings

WHAT IT IS: Miranda Lambert’s divorce album.

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: Once again this one has major contributions from the “story” of the album – Blake and Miranda were country music royalty, and the end of their marriage was fodder for all sorts of gossip. Miranda Lambert is a capable enough songwriter, and good enough singer, to be able to make some pretty effective Country fodder our of it, and the results are almost certainly he strongest album from wire to wire. 

BUT IS IT GREAT: Probably not great, no, but it’s fine. 

Selena – Amor Prohibido

WHAT IT IS: The final Selena studio album, and one of the biggest and most important Latin pop records ever made. 

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: Well, Selena was a force of nature during her life. It seems crass to mention that her unbelievably tragic death also makes this record, her final and most successful statement, somewhat more prominent than it might be, but, you know, I guess I’m ok with not having much of a place in polite society. 

BUT IS IT GREAT: It’s fine. I’m not in its audience, and that’s ok. 

The Kinks – Something Else by the Kinks

WHAT IT IS: The Kinks’ career is largely divisible into their early, garage-y, singles-based primitive work, and their later, increasingly-baroque pop work. This is where the first thing becomes the second thing. 

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: It’s the first great record-as-record that the Kinks made, and while it isn’t their best, it’s definitely an easy one to recommend.

BUT IS IT GREAT: Yes

Howlin’ Wolf – Moanin’ in the Moonlight

WHAT IT IS: The first (and probably best) collection of Howlin’ Wolf’s singles

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: So, one of the things that hangs over all of these lists are this kind of compilation record. There wasn’t really a way for Howlin’ Wolf to make full-length records, but I suppose people want him to be here, so here we have this compilation. I’m not inclined, in this case, to quibble too much with what they’re calling an “album,” since things like this are probably worthy, and it is something that people would have bought as an album or whatever, but it’s worth noting that there’s a lot of them (well, a relative lot of them). 

BUT IS IT GREAT: Howlin’ Wolf was a great singer, and some of his material is quite good, and sure, why not? 

Sparks – Kimono My House

WHAT IT IS: Sparks’ first British/Glam-Rock record, and the one that most people have heard. 

WHAT BRINGS IT HERE: Perhaps because the title is a pun? Perhaps because people have rocks in their heads? Who knows?! Not me!

BUT IS IT GREAT: Sparks are pretty high up on the list of “Bands people expect that I would like but that I do not, in fact, like at all.” So, no. 

The 2020 Trainie Awards, truncated, post-apocalyptic edition

You know, ordinarily, or rather, in years where the world hadn’t ended yet, this feature was to fill some time toward the end of the year, when there are only a couple of awards shows, and mostly things are gearing up to shut back down for the holidays (and not to refuse to shut down for, you know, the plague). 

This year, of course, the world ended. Or, at least, the country I live in did. So it’s weird to look at some of the potential nominees here and think “gosh, this would have been a fun thing to consider before the world ended.” 

That said, there are certain duties that I owe you folks, including making sure that people are properly rewarded for their contributions to the general weirdness of the world, which is ending weirdly. It still seems weird, in light of everything being on fire all the time, and with no part of it seeming to get any better no matter how bad it gets, to also say “isn’t this weird?”, and so I almost just skipped it generally. 

It’s inconsequential, certainly, to talk about a cranky old dude who doesn’t want to read anymore, or about Cats, or about a radio-rock also-ran supporting our lunatic president. But, you know, what else am I doing here? I’ve spent similar time with this sort of thing before, and while it becomes increasingly necessary for me, personally, for my own reasons, to make the sort of dumb, enumerative pop culture observations that power this space – to remind myself that while it’s true that we are in a period where we are being given bread (albeit bread we’re all making ourselves) and circuses (albeit circuses full of people who are doing their makeup for the first time over their home webcams), it’s probably worth looking at what the viruses contain.

While, you know, eating the bread. Because bread is delicious. 

Outstanding Achievement in Being the Apotheosis of Projection and Confirmation Bias

You know, if you’d asked me a couple of years ago what I thought of Damien Walter, I’d have said that I felt vaguely positive about him, but didn’t have any strong feelings. And then he went and wrote the dumbest non-political thing I read in all of the last year. 

Damien Walter, you see, doesn’t read novels anymore. He claims that none of his friends do, either. He then extrapolates that claim to extend to the notion that no one reads novels, and that the reason that no one reads novels is because television has better stories. This is the content of the piece.

No, really. 

The only part of the article that was worth writing in the first place was “my primary evidence for the death of the reader is the death of my own reading.” That’s it. That’s just about everything that he had to say, and it would have been a successful 1 tweet. But of course, when you’re a Serious Opinions-Haver, and your take is just too hot to handle, you can’t merely admit that your relationship to something has changed and move on with it.

No, you must find a way to blame literally everyone else in the world for this change to your relationship, at least if you’re Damien Walter. “The novel,” says Mr. Walter, on his way to blaming “the novel” for not pleasing him as it once did, in a paragraph that ends wiht “Prestige tv shows are where we go now for the best storytelling. Novels seems [sic] more and more junky. Call it the Dan Brown or Fifty Shades effect. However it happened, I just don’t expect to find good storytelling in novels anymore”. 

That’s right everybody, the existence of Dan Brown (and whatever television this dumbshit sentence is referring to – he never mentions what it is that is expanding his mind, just that “the novel” isn’t doing so anymore) means that “the novel” is dead and no one is reading. It’s the latter part of this sentence that is just absolute bugfuck. 

I have no trouble believing that Damien Walter isn’t finding novels that he likes as much as the novels he used to like or whatever. I guess I also don’t have any trouble believing him when he claims that because he doesn’t like novels anymore, and his friends don’t read novels anymore, that no one – no one anywhere! – is reading novels. That’s just regular Serious Opinions Man self-absorption, and it’s absolutely ridiculous, but it’s perfectly normal.

No, where this crosses into “give this thing an award” territory is that last bit, the bit about how popular-fiction garbage is somehow representative of an entire art form, and that because he’s too lazy to go and find the things that would interest him 2, then, in fact, no one is getting anything out of it, and the form has utterly failed.

Because, once again, of Fifty Shades 3, the lowest-hanging fruit in the world in terms of describing something that a Serious Opinions Haver couldn’t possibly enjoy. 4

Anyway, it’s a regular and totally-understandable feature of internet writing that you should occasionally try to manufacture the bomb-throwingest thoughts and put them out in the world, contrariast style. But this is too big a swing, and it’s just so unselfaware that it’s kind of awesome in it’s way, a monument to a man’s belief that his opinions span the entire world. 

Outstanding Achievement in Baffling Sociopolitical (I guess?!) Decisions

Akon is founding a city that will eventually run on his own cryptocurrency.

I mean, that’s pretty much the whole thing, and I could probably just walk away with that sentence, but I want to make it clear that I find this delightful. Akon has always been a somewhat-surprising public figure, and this is probably the most surprising thing that anyone can do. 

Let’s look at the two parts in order, here. So, I guess I understand that cities can still be founded. I will admit that I was benighted enough to think that it wasn’t something that was, you know, still happening, but I get it. There’s a process in place, and while it’s very much true that I have no idea what that process entails 5, it’s clearly making Akon and the national government of Senegal happy, and that’s fine. 

He’s also transitioning to running his city’s economy on his own cryptocurrency. The implications of this are the kind brain-melting. What is the conversion process? Assuming that it works like all other forms of crypto, and has a value based on its use/demand, where do you start the value? What is the Akoncoin value of, say, a hat, and how is it determined? Especially since goods that aren’t made in the city are bought with CFA Francs (or, you know, whatever. Yen. Dollars. Euro.). Once there’s a reliable conversion rate that’s one thing, but this is all happening over the course of the next ten years. 

I guess the only thing I can imagine is just a constant string of conversions – I’m assuming there’s going to be something that hooks  the app containing your crypto information up to your bank account, because it’s the only way I can deal with the information without gibbering – which seems like, well, a giant headache. I suppose the other option is to make it entirely self-contained. Akon compared it to Wakanda when he made the announcement, so maybe I’m just thinking about it too hard and a pop star is going to start a city based on a fictional country and everything is going to be just great.

I’m telling you, this is delightful

Outstanding Achievement in a Things I Can’t Believe Are Real, Even Though They Clearly Are

There are bad movies all the time. There are more bad movies than good ones, but a couple of orders of magnitude. It’s scarcely even worth noticing that most of what shuffles into cinemas is barely worth remembering while you’re watching it. But that’s not Cats. What propels Cats above the likes of Gotti or Artemis Fowl or The Mortal Engines is the sheer amount of genuine bumbling that goes into it. 

From the premise onward, Cats was never going to have a chance (I promise this is going to get more specific in its criticism, but I want to make a point here) – movies are  6 made by committee. Even in the odd and singular world of things that Andrew Lloyd Webber has written, Cats is among the oddest and most singular. It’s a strange, metafictional musical that claims its origins in a cycle of poems that TS Eliot wrote for his godchildren 7, and, as a result, only really makes sense as a product of the guy who created it. Which is to say: not actually when interpreted by Tom Hooper, with Taylor Swift shoved into it. 

The result, famously, was an utterly bizarre bastardization of scenes and songs from the movie, glued together by a combination of befuddling chaos and chaotic befuddlement. 

But all of that is fine – a misinterpretation of the source material is par for the course, and very much should have just been expected in this case. No, I’m talking, of course, about the damn thing not even being finished. The visual errors that caused it to be patched like a video game were certainly entertaining enough. It was a novel use of technology, and made me wonder, with all of the money and made-by-committee oversight that went into all this, why nobody saw it? Did the person whose job was to cover Judi Dench with fur just take a day off? Did not one person see the human hand in the frame?

At a certain point, I became a Cats truther: I figured the visual mistakes were there to get people talking about it. That is, that they weren’t mistakes, but deliberate errors in continuity, because they knew that their movie needed eyeballs, and wasn’t able to get them on its own. I mean, it clearly was, it’s one of the weirdest things ever committed to a video camera’s hard drive, but that might not have been apparent (I guess). Eventually I settled down, removed my Fox Mulder filters, and realized that it genuinely was just somehow an under-supervised project. 

And then I learned that, actually there was more here than I thought, and that a great deal of thought, planning and effort went into making a movie that still came out visually half-assed, but that the reason that it was half-assed had a lot to do with the mitigating sensibilities standing between Cats and its eventual release. 

The first hint that htis was the case came before I was able to appreciate it – Jason Derulo had a penis ensmallment in the post-production process, so that people weren’t perplexed to be presented with his package. My first thought, as this came int eh morass of generally-baffling takes on everything in the movie, was…let’s say a case of running some PR on some things 8, and then the truth landed in front of my brain because, ladies and gentlemen, I learned about the butthole cut, and everything made perfect sense

This was still an odd, singular vision. It’s just that this vision – one that, as the “butthole cut” article lays out – was driven by a monomaniacal weirdo who wanted some very specific things to happen in his Cats adaptation, and had them driven out of the movie by the committee that ran things. Suddenly, everything was exactly as I expected. The director was driven to do what he was doing by his own passion, and his passion was for….well, it certainly isn’t for the bit where the cats dance in the audience. And the studio stopped him. Suddenly this one last thing made sense again.

I look forward to the ironic reappraisal of Cats as a misunderstood masterpiece.

And, honestly, show us the butthole cut, you cowards.

Outstanding Achievements in Providing an Outlet

I mean, it’s the Trapt guy. You all remember the Trapt guy, right? The singer of the song “Headstrong” proved that Maya Angelou was right, and we absolutely should have believed this dude when he told who he was. Of course, he didn’t add the information that he’s 1) very stupid and 2) very into the president. 

So he spent a weeka week – melting down about how, actually, he’s in the most popular band ever, and everyone loves seeing them perform and plays their songs on Pandora (?!), and actually there’s no such thing as systemic racism because…oh, it’s all in there. Just make sure you’re not already aggravated when you read it. It’s very, very frustrating. It would start with Chris Evans, then go on to include the band Power Trip 9, and, somehow, Ice-T

But, you know, it was nice. It came right at the beginning of the lockdown (the one that didn’t go on long enough also, you know, wasn’t a lockdown), and nobody knew what was going on or how to deal with it, and here was this dipshit, wrong about basically everything he was saying, for us all to point and laugh at. It was, probably, inadvertently the most enjoyable thing the dude from Trapt has ever done. The second most enjoyable thing was of course when, several months later, they performed for fucking nobody at the Sturgis Coronavirus Rally.

Truly, life contains such beauty. 

Outstanding Achievement in Reminding Me How Much I Hate Marketing

This is sort of a late entrant, as it’s still currently-unfolding. Long-time readers may be aware of my ever-declining relationship to Travis Scott. I liked Owl Pharoah 10 at the time (it even made the best albums list of 2013), and have liked basically everything he’s done less than I liked the thing before it. We’re at a point now where I pretty much don’t pay attention to any of it.

Until, that is, he paired with McDonald’s. The initial thought, of course is “why is this happening?” But that’s pretty easy to swat away: McDonald’s, having been rendered synonymous with “bad food” has probably, in some extremely minor-seeming way to anyone that isn’t in a McDonald’s board room, lost some sway with the youths. So they flung around and cast their wide, wide net for anyone who could help them recapture the youth 11, and they found thirsty, willing Travis Scott, who accepted a great deal of money to express his love of McDonald’s barbecue sauce as a french fry condiment. It makes perfect sense. Company spends money, person with no shame accepts money, life goes on. 

But then, in yet another of the series of crushing disappointments that this calendar year has had in store for me, it worked. Kids went to McDonald’s, got their stupid food, and often annoyed and harangued the workers by blaring their phones at them, and, of course, recording it. For TikTok. 

I am, generally, a live and let live person. I think kids are fine, and that, in generally, worrying about something that doesn’t appeal to me because I’m not in its cohort is a waste of my time and energy, because, really, who gives a shit. But y’all are getting played by a fast-food company. Their profession – their stated mission – is to sell you food that is one step above poison, and they’re doing it by having you harass a minimum wage worker by playing terrible music at them. I understand that part of being young is having terrible taste (in food and rappers, especially), and certainly I’ve been guilty of it myself, but stop making yourself part of their advertising oh my god stop it.

Seriously. They aren’t paying you. They’re paying Travis Scott. And he sucks. But not as much as the forces of corporate marketing, which are the forces that annoy me the most pretty much every day. I suppose, however, that this award should also be given for managing to reverse my position that I seem to take once a year in here, which is that whatever social-media-abetted youth fad is fine, and probably overblown besides, but most of those aren’t the result of a company actually just recruiting tiktok users to harass the employees of that company, so maybe this time is a little different.

Outstanding Achievement in Doing Exactly the Correct Thing

In January (HA!), the Oscar nominations were announced and, unhappy with the results, or perhaps just because she’s a right-thinking person with a good head firmly upon her shoulders, Elsie Fisher, star of the critical and awards darling Eighth Grade, decided to give out her own awards, because she has more faith in her opinion than in the institutional opinion of the Academy, among others 12

While hers aren’t quite free-form enough to be the truly enlightening delight that, say, some other websites may provide (also hers are on twitter boo hiss etc), it’s definitely nice to see someone striking out on the correct path. I’m genuinely of the opinion that anyone who has the mental bandwidth should use some of that bandwidth to consider a set of things from the year past, and bestow upon them an award. Like, you know, a radio-rock moron’s meltdown, or an out of touch book critic’s Principal Skinner impression. 

Or, you know, movies or whatever. Some people like those. I don’t get it, but clearly it’s a thing. Probably going to want to pay attention to the Elsies for that one. I’m not likely to start doing it here. 

Outstanding Achievement in Positivity

As with every year, I like to end these (even the brief, post-apocalyptic ones, like this one) with something on an up note. So here is the up-est note I’ve got: Rod Stewart finished his model train. He’s spent twenty-three years on it, he made everything, but has trouble with the electricals, and I couldn’t be happier about it. Great job, Rod. Now in addition to being on the cover of both Railway Modeller and Model Railroader (those are their names! In the UK, and USA respectively! Isn’t that delightful?) you can say that you’ve successfully based a model railroad city on Manhattan. 

I look forward to hearing back from you in twenty-three more years. I’m sure it will be delightful.

Of course, we’ll all be dead, because the world has ended, but it’ll be nice anyway. 


  1.  for a definition of “successful” that means “not infuriating” 
  2. although he does throw the sop in there that the end that someday he could find a novel that he likes again – he’s very generous that way 
  3. I mean, I get it. Sometimes the easiest punch is the most fun to throw – it’s why I didn’t correct a typographical error in the bit I quoted above, pasted directly from his website, and added a “[sic]”. Because it felt good 
  4. To be clear, I don’t have a single serious opinion in me, but I also do not like Fifty Shades, I just think it’s boring that it’s the only thing these dickbags can come up with when they want to call something “bad”. 
  5. did he buy the land? Did he get a grant from the Senegal government? Was it just a permission thing? How do you actually found a city? 
  6.  or were, before the world ended 
  7. a few years ago, it was revealed that he had also written a poem called “Cows”, which makes me sad we don’t live in the version of reality where that was adapted into one of the biggest musicals of all time. 
  8. peen-R. Thank you everyone 
  9. this was my favorite part of the saga. I’m not even what you’d call a Power Trip fan, particularly, but they put in the work and they’re worth respecting, and Trapt were a label-created nonsense-pile who were left to founder of their own devices and, well, this part of the argument was basically what elevated this whole thing into highly-delectable territory. I just re-read the Power Trip bits and, my god, I can’t eat another bite. I’m just stuffed full of this deliciousness. Well bowled, dudes from Power Trip. 
  10. although by now, I would be hard pressed to find anything to like about it now, and haven’t listened to it in years. 
  11. I’m presuming that they’re going to want someone who could go viral on TikTok, but whether this is because I’m an Old and I just assume that’s how people talk, or because, you know, that’s what happened is up in the air. But more about that in a second. 
  12. She doesn’t actually single anybody out, but, like, it happened right after the Oscars were announced so. 

Every Song on the Pleased to Meet Me Boxed Set, Ranked

Alex Chilton
Can’t Hardly Wait
Valentine (which contains the line “plenty of times you wake up/in february makeup/like the moon and the rolling stone you’re gone”)
Can’t Hardly Wait (Rough Mix) (the string section is bigger!)
Skyway (rough mix)
Skyway
Can’t Hardly Wait (Jimmy Iovine Mix) (why does Jimmy Iovine hate the string section?)
The Ledge
Birthday Gal (2020 Remaster)
The Ledge (rough mix)
Valentine (rough mix)
Photo (demo)
Birthday Gal (demo)
Alex Chilton (rough mix)
Hey Shadow (demo)
Learn How to Fail
Valentine (demo)
Run for the Country
Even If It’s Cheap (demo)
Nevermind (rough mix)
Kick It In (rough mix)
Nevermind
IOU (rough mix) (I like the piano!)
IOU (demo)
Birthday Gal (rough mix)
Awake Tonight (demo)
All He Wants to Do is Fish (2020 remaster)
All He Wants to Do is Fish (demo)
Election Day (rough mix)
IOU
Election Day
Kick it In (demo 2)
Kick it In (demo 1)
Time is Killing Us (demo)
Bundle Up (demo)
Route 66
Beer for Breakfast (2020 remaster)
Nightclub Jitters
Nightclub Jitters (rough mix)
Jungle Rock
Trouble on the Way
Til We’re Nude (2020 remaster)
I Don’t Know (outtake) (elevated for the bit where Paul Westerberg is mad at the mix and sings “We’d like to hear some guitar/so you can turn it up aaaaany time now”)
Lift Your Skirt
Red Red Wine (rough mix)
I Don’t Know
Red Red Wine (demo)
I Can Help
Tossin’ and Turnin’
Red Red Wine
I Don’t Know (demo)
Cool Water
Cool Water (rough mix)
Shootin’ Dirty Pool
Shootin’ Dirty Pool (demo)

The 2020 Billboard Music Awards

It’s the Billboard Music Awards, y’all! After months without one single award being given out, we circle back to this one. It was supposed to happen back in April or May (that’s when it usually happens, anyway), but it didn’t. Hopefully you’ve all fired up your still-legal TikTok accounts and given all of your favorite pop music people a vote.

Oh, and hopefully you remember a bunch of songs from a fucking eon ago, because this was supposed to happen six months ago, and a lot has happened since then. Although I guess I don’t know how much of that affects the sorts of things you see on, well, TikTok, say. 

Anyway, they give out ten thousand fucking awards, it bounces between the same, like, twenty people, and it’s all pretty terrible to consider. 

They’re also giving their Icon award to Garth Brooks. I would have thought that he already had all the awards he’s ever been eligible for, but sure. Fine. 

Here we go!

Top Gospel Song

So the first thing to get out of the way is this: no matter how opaque the algorithm is, it is still, fundamentally, sales-driven. So that means we have a mathematical problem, which is that even a post-brainworms, full-on-meltdown Kanye is more popular than literally the entire genre of gospel music. Shame, that. 

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Kirk Franklin, “Love Theory”

Top Christian Song

But that issue does not extend to the broader category of “Christian” music. I suppose it’s providing some interesting experimental data on what happens when someone submits in a category in which they’re a novelty, instead of their usual.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Lauren Daigle, “Rescue”

Top Dance/Electronic Song

If two of these songs didn’t have truly awful samples in them, I’d only recognize one of these songs! We’re off to a great start here, everybody. 

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Ellie Goulding x Diplo, “Close to Me” (f Swae Lee)

Top Latin Song

It remains the weirdest part of the music-awards landscape that Toronto rapper Snow is on a song in every single one of these. I have nothing against Snow, I just really would not have expected it at all. Anyway.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Jhay Cortez, J. Balvin & Bad Bunny, “No Me Conoce”

Top Rock Song

Machine Gun Kelly’s full-on conversion has not only been good for his sales, but also his music. And also this category. I’m not saying I’m suddenly a fan, just that it’s better than most of what lands in this shitheap. Also, Yungblud is just delightful

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Machine Gun Kelly x Yungblud x Travis Barker, “I Think I’m Okay”

Top Country Song

Oh all of this can go straight to hell. I mean, it’s already straight from hell, because how else would cough this up, so I just want it to go back. Jesus pete.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Maren Morris, “The Bones”

Top Rap Song

See what I mean about the eligibility period? “Sunflower” came out on the Spider-Man: Into the Multi-Verse Soundtrack in 2018. That’s a long damn eligibility period. Anyway, the Lizzo song also came out forever ago, but it’s much better.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Lizzo, “Truth Hurts”

Top R&B Song

To that end, “Good as Hell” was actually first released in 2016, which makes it the oldest song here by far. Still the best one, and Billboard clearly does not give one fig about release dates, but it sort of makes it all ever so much weirder that we’re doing this.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Lizzo, “Good as Hell” 

Top Collaboration (fan-voted)

Oh, this one’s voted on by the fans! People have the power! Airplay means nothing! SMASH THE SYSTEM!

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Post Malone & Swae Lee, “Sunflower”

Top Radio Song

Lizzo is also making these categories much easier to get through. It’s great. I can save my decision-making powers for some of the truly awful categories later on.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Lizzo, “Truth Hurts”

Top Selling Song

See, this one is probably as algorithmically-decided as any of these can be – I’m sure it’s a matter of totting up sales figures or what have you – but that’s what makes this about the rightful winner, and not the probable winner. 

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Lizzo, “Truth Hurts”

Top Streaming Song

Again, probably derived from math or whatever. Actually, Billboard would have you believe they are all derived from math, but given that heir methods for said derivation are inscrutable and shrouded in secrecy, there’s probably no actual way to know if that’s true.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Post Malone & Swae Lee “Sunflower”

Top Hot 100 Song

This refers, I’m assuming, to its performance on the Hot 100 charts. That would make it pretty easy, at least in theory, if everything goes the way I think it does, to look it up. But I’m not going to do that. I’m going to award it to Lizzo.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Lizzo, “Truth Hurts”

Top Gospel Album

At least the dilution of Kanye only making one album means that there are some other people in this category. Good grief. 

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Kirk Franklin, Long Live Love

Top Christian Album

Holy shit Skillet is still around?! Have I said that before? Are they actually around all the time and I’m only just now finding out? I think I maybe knew that? I have no idea. I’m just so delighted that they’ve got to be in, like, their third decade of doing this. Good for them.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Skillet, Victorious

Top Dance/Electronic Album

Did you know that the Billboard magazine website puts album titles in parentheses? This seems insane to me, so I don’t! I don’t think of my tiny little publication here as having a house style, but it turns out it does, and the Billboard awards are when I think about that the most. Album titles go in italics, and the featured artist on a song goes in parentheses after the title. These things are, frankly, ohioneedsatrain.com facts. Oh, right. The category. 

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Illenium, Ascend

Top Latin Album

I mean, I have other style quirks as well, but this isn’t about how I edit these things, it’s about the category.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Maluma, 11:11

Top Rock Album

You know, at almost three albums I almost kind of like, this is probably the closest this category has ever been. Maybe the nadir period of commercial rock bands holding any appeal for me could end someday. I mean, probably not, but it’s nice to dream.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Tool, Fear Inoculum. If you ever wonder what kind of curve these things are graded on, you can get my write-up of my favorite album in this category here, and then think to yourself “oh dip, this is the best of these?” and then you can think “yep.” 

Top Country Album

Whatever the rock album category has gained in tolerability, the country album category has inarguably lost. I mean, it was never great, but now it’s really not great.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Maren Morris, Girl

Top Rap Album

In any event, after the last couple of categories, this one is like a soothing balm. None of these are records I own, but I’ve listened to a couple on Spotify, so that’s probably something, right?

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: DaBaby, Kirk

Top R&B Album

Wait, why is The Weeknd not in this category? Is it because After Hours came out too late? This eligibility window thing is really confusing me.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Khalid, Free Spirit

Top Soundtrack

I mean, all of this is very, very stupid, but I was sort of surprised by the inclusion of The Dirt, which is not only a pretty-dumb Motley Crue compilation, but also was a thing that seems like it came out many years ago. In hindsight, it’s probably the beginning of Machine Gun Kelly’s time as a rock musician. So I suppose there’s that.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Oh I don’t care. The Frozen II people were fun on a podcast once, so let’s say them.

Top Billboard 200 Album

I’ll say this: streaming did effectively bring back realistic consideration of the album as a thing for people to consume. Not as many people as singles, to be sure, but then, it never really was as many people that got into albums as singles. Pop music, especially, is a singles medium. Which is to say: I get why this is here more than I do in pre-streaming-dominance years, and also I get why it sucks so much.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: I suppose I’ll throw it to Billie Eilish, whose record is clearly displaying something, even if it’s not anything I’m particularly interested in listening to. Billie Eilish, When We Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go? 

Top Gospel Artist

Kanye again. I wonder if gospel singers feel about Kanye the way that stand-up comedians feel about YouTube dudes who sell out comedy clubs without actually having an act?

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Kirk Franklin

Top Christian Artist

It all does, however, raise the question “why is Kanye nominated in this category?” The gospel one I get – gospel has its own sort of sound and set of tropes. But he’s not a generally ccm artist – he’s a rapper who is really into Jesus. He’s no more a part of this than, say, Justin Bieber or Luke Combs. So either he got to choose what categories he submitted to (which seems like a weird choice for one of the smaller awards shows), or Billboard decided to include him for name recognition at the expense of someone else who actually makes Christian music. Either way, it’s fucked man. Just fucked.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: You know I think I give this to Lauren Diagle every year? I’d have to go check, but given that I find this entire field impenetrable, that seems like it happens regularly. So there you go. 

Top Dance/Electronic Artist

I still like Marshemllo’s headthing. That’s all I’ve got.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Marshmello

Top Latin Artist

The real downside to cramming all the damn awards shows together is I’m still out of things to say in the categories that I don’t have any real connection to. Shame, really. Unfair to J Balvin or whoever.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: J Balvin

Top Rock Tour

In this case, I think it has to go with the ancient performer that’s giving it up. Good grief.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Elton John

Top Rock Artist

I mean, I’ve liked moments by all of these, and even though I don’t know if I can still call myself a Tool fan, I did used to be one, which gives them a leg up on everybody else here, if nothing else.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Tool

Top Country Tour

Hey! I would actually probably go see George Strait! I don’t even have to contort myself around this one!

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: George Strait

Top Country Duo/Group

Ah, Old Dominion. I’m going to be sad when you’re no longer around to rescue me from the sucking void of this category.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Old Dominion

Top Country Female Artist

Oh hey, Kacey Musgraves should be in more of these categories. I guess maybe she didn’t have anything out in the eligibility period? Who can say!

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Kacey Musgraves

Top Country Male Artist

I think at one point I kind of didn’t hate Thomas Rhett. I seem to remember his early stuff not quite being as bad as all that? I don’t know. It was a long time ago. However, since all current material by all three of these people is awful, I’m going to go on my seeming fond memories of Thomas Rhett’s older material. 

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Thomas Rhett

Top Country Artist

See, now, this would be an excellent spot for Kacey Musgraves. I will never understand anything about this awards programme.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Maren Morris

Top Rap Tour

It’s been seven months since I saw a band. I’m dying. I would go stand in the audience for anything. But if you offered me tickets to any of these shows, I would still have to consider just exactly how desperate I was.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Drake I guess? 

Top Rap Female Artist

This is another category made wildly different by the eligibility period – if it cut off in April, when these were supposed to happen, then it’s a wide-open field. If it extends to today, there’s really no argument for anyone who isn’t Megan Thee Stallion. That said, Megan Thee Stallion was always the best of these three, so it should probably be her on general principle anyway.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Megan Thee Stallion

Top Rap Male Artist

It’s always easiest when it can just be “the one person in the category whose music I like”

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: DaBabay.

Top Rap Artist

Insanely, Megan Thee Stallion isn’t even in this category. I’m sure that makes sense to someone. That said, It’s still always easiest when it can just be “the one person in the category whose music I like”.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: DaBaby

Top R&B Tour

In contrast to all the other “tour” categories, I would pretty gladly go sit in front of any of these, actually. I’m not sure that I’d enjoy all of it, but I’d darn sure give it a shot. 

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: B2K, because who knows why they’re even doing this now? 

Top R&B Female Artist

Weirdly, on of the things that Beyonce is in this category is a live album, but is not in the “tour” category. I guess she didn’t really tour it as such. Ah, well. These awards choose the weirdest times to start making any kind of logical sense.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Lizzo.

Top R&B Male Artist

Absent from the Album category for heck only knows what reason, The Weeknd returns here, to make my life considerably easier.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: The Weeknd

Top R&B Artist

Hey, The Weeknd vs. Lizzo actually forces me to consider a thing! It’s an actual competition! What a joyous and noteworthy occasion!

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Lizzo

Top Touring Artist

This field isn’t nearly as old as the rock field, and yet I still feel compelled to reward the one of these people who’s not going to tour anymore. I mean, nobody is going to tour anymore, but you know what I mean. 

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Elton John

Top Social Artist (fan-voted)

TOPPLE THE SYSTEM! THROW IT ON THE GROUND! SIC SEMPER TYRANNUS! 

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Billie Eilish

Top Radio Songs Artist

I would love to see actual radio listenership numbers/behavior data. I can’t seem to find it with some cursory googling, but if anyone knows where I can get my hands on some, I’d be real happy about it.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Lizzo

Top Song Sales Artist

Sales figures are a little easier to get some kind of idea of, I suppose, although it’s all still purposefully opaque. Basically I’m just hoping to someday get some data here so I have something to say here before I give it to Lizzo (or her next year’s equivalent) again.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Lizzo

Top Streaming Songs Artist

The composition of these categories, in terms of who the artists that populate them is, is pretty telling demographically, so I don’t need them in the general sense. I want specifics, goddammit. 

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Billie Eilish

Top Hot 100 Artist

This category is for the artist with the strongest presence on the singles chart. I mention it only because this and the next chart are different in specific ways that would be inscrutable if you didn’t know what the ways were.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Post Malone who, out of this bunch, makes better singles than the rest of them. Seriously, though, do better, people. 

Top Billboard 200 Artist

This category is for the artist with the strongest presence on the albums chart. I mention it only because this and the last chart are different in specific ways that would be inscrutable if you didn’t know what the ways were.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Billie Eilish who, out of this bunch, makes better albums than the rest of them. Seriously, though, do better, people. 

Top Duo/Group

You know, this whole thing has me so screwed around that I just had to genuinely consider if I think that BTS or the Jonas Brothers are more deserving of this thing. I went with the Jonas Brothers because the American-child-star system is somehow less depressing than the Korean pop-factory system, but I’m not happy about having to make the choice, nor about anything else. I really bummed myself out, there.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: The Jonas Brothers

Top Female Artist

The other thing that probably needs mentioning is that the material under consideration w/r/t Taylor Swift is Lover, which is a shame, because that album is quite bad, and her more recent album is quite good! Well, it’s a shame for her, I suppose. 

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Lizzo

Top Male Artist

I’ll say this: this category is largely very bad music, but it covers a lot of ground stylistically, which is something.

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Khalid

Billboard Chart Achievement Award (fan-voted)

DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING? A SONG OF ANGRY MEN? IT’S THE MUSIC OF A PEOPLE WHO WILL NOT BE SLAVES AGAIN!

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Harry Styles

Top New Artist

Well, most of these have been around for years, which means in this case I get to treat them all as valid and, rather than give it to Lil Nas X, the only artist here who’s “New” by any traditional yardstick, I’ll give to Lizzo. Just like everything else. 

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Lizzo

Top Artist

You know, I complain a lot about this stuff, but the thing I keep coming back to do is have fun digging through the flotsam slash jetsam of the mainstream record-selling industry to try to figure out what it is that people like. Why this song or album or whatever? I like pop music, I really do. I mean, not all of it. In fact, hardly any of it. But I like the same hardly any of it that I like of basically every genre. Which explains why it always seems like I only like one thing every year. I suppose that’s probably how it works for just about everybody. Still and all, it’s fun to look at all this and figure out which one of these is “best”, for whatever value of that might matter. Still, I’m pretty sure that none of it makes actual linear sense in any reading. 

THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Post Malone, because why not? 

The Best Records of September 2020

Bill Callahan – Gold Record (Bill Callahan has been as consistent as he has been productive, and continuing in this smaller, more domestic vein is particularly good)

Mozzy – Occupational Hazard (I have an oft-mentioned and obvious soft spot for the sad gangsta, and Mozzy is here poking it this time around)

William Tyler – New Veritas (I guess September was the month for particular favorites delivering. It’s comforting, really. This is another excellent album of William Tyler’s playing)

Cloudkicker – Solitude (Columbus’s mightiest one-man band makes more blood-pumping instrumental heavy music.)

Armani Caesar – The Liz (There are so many Griselda records, and while they’re all pretty good, this one is especially admirable.)

The New Rolling Stone 500

So, an ongoing feature of the site for the last few years has been a series of posts taking a Considered Look at various and sundry lists of things. A couple of months ago, I finished the look at every inductee to the Rock and roll Hall of Fame, and embarked upon a new series, looking in consideration at everyone who had won a Best New Artist Grammy award.

And then Rolling Stone went and monkey-wrenched the whole thing by dangling some completely irresistible catnip in front of me. For, on this momentous occasion, Rolling Stone has delivered unto me A List.

So I’m going to suspend the current Considered Look series, and loop this one into the fold. I may go back to the Grammy Winners when all this is done 1, but for right now, the prospect of sinking the ol’ chompers into an arbitrary list of a once-dominant institution’s picks for greatness is simply too much to bear.

Rolling Stone’s 500 Best Albums list, as published in 2003, came at the tail end of the existence of what we can call the “traditional” record-selling industry. It’s silly, of course, because all such lists are silly, but it was a sort of masterpiece of putting together the Old Guard Record Selling-Industry mindset. It was heavy on the established classics, sprinkled with general sops to the existence of audiences that weren’t middle-aged and rock-oriented. It’s useful, in its way, as a guide to the way the generalized mentality of people who wrote about mainstream music used to have 2

It’s also an interesting time for RS to have published such a list, because it was a time when things were fracturing, criticism-wise. The word “Rockism” was used a lot to describe attitudes held by publications like Rolling Stone 3, it was a whole thing. But its existence is interesting, in the history of a magazine, very specifically, because it seemed necessary to the powers that Stone to limn what they considered worthy of inclusion for the first time – for the first several decades of their existence, they apparently believed it enough for their opinions to simply exist, and here, hearing the footsteps of the coming change to the way that the people that paid for ad space in RS sold records to the people that read RS (to wit: that wasn’t going to work very well anymore), decided to entrench as the Keepers of Historical Greatness 4

I’ve spoken much about the give/take relationship of lists 5

before, but I’ll run through the high points. A list needs to establish the worthiness of the editorial stance of the publication by 1) appealing to the readers’ existing taste enough that they take it seriously and 2) containing enough contradictory information/opinion to make people think that the makers of the list know something that the readers don’t. I could, I’m assuming, render out some sort of formula, even, (I would hazard an utterly-unstudied set of numbers like 50% utterly familiar, 25% random chance, 20% left-field weirdness and 5% contrarianism) breaking down the content of the lists themselves to most correctly accomplish their goal. 

It makes perfect sense that this would be the time to reconsider a list made by a bunch of old people seventeen years ago – the ideas of what are and are not institutionally acceptable are under examination, and people are talking about the way in which people can be inclusive and broader-horizoned in terms of their own artistic consumption 6. There’s been a lot of re-considering, and it makes sense that a giant (well, as giant as any publication can be) music magazine would be one that revised its institutional opinion. 

It also comes at an interesting time for the magazine, specifically – the All-New All-Different Rolling Stone 500 was announced a couple of days before the announcement that Penske Media (which bought a controlling share of Rolling Stone in 2017, and the rest of the magazine in 2019) is doing….something with MRC, who operate Billboard and, like, Blaze, and the two companies are in business together. What this means for the future of the brand is probably anyone’s guess, but what it does mean is that this is a huge public-facing thing that RS is doing right at the time of the merger.

It’s exactly the sort of thing that I’d normally love to drill into and pull apart but 1) plague times make it hard to dig into the business practices of magazine publishers and 2) I suspect there isn’t that much to it. The merger was announced on the back fo the big flashy attention-getting rewrite of a giant list. Seems like a case of wanting attention, and then getting attention. Case closed.

The important thing is the fact of the list itself, which is exactly the sort of high-minded ridiculousness that I’m deeply enthralled by. They touted that they had 300 people vote in a staggered points-assigning system, with several thousand albums in consideration, and tabulated it numerically. To be honest, I think that’s also what they did the last couple of times they did this, only they used fewer people, and the people weren’t as diverse. 

So does this mean it’s a reasonable version of a consensus list? Well, it definitely means it’s probably the best that Rolling Stone could do. You’re limited to people who are returning Rolling Stone’s calls, after all, which means they’re going to be people that have some sort of willingness in bolstering the institutional opinion. That said, I probably would have also done it if asked, so it’s not like you have to be particularly invested in their operation to give them a list 7

So stay tuned (in a couple of weeks, I think?) for a considered look at every single one 8 of these 500 records, and what it all means in the wider sense of the world. The list goes to some pretty hard-to-fathom places, and I look forward to trying to make sense of it all. We’ll see what we’re doing here, with one of the last titans of the old-guard music-magazine field trying to assert the importance of their opinions. Do they succeed? Does what they’re doing even make sense? Let’s find out!


  1. although I do confess that I don’t know when exactly that will be 
  2. which is to say, a mentality that heavily informed the way that I learned to think about and listen to music – I didn’t get out of this unscathed, certainly 
  3. and the previously written-of RRHOF, which is bound pretty tightly to the magazine. 
  4. this is not an academic history, just a sort of brief, glancing precise on what’s going on with this list, and why it started at a weird time, and now continues at a weird time 
  5. perhaps at most length here 
  6. or, you know, talking about how they’re definitely not going to do that and frothing about cancel culture or whatever, but I’m pretty sure none of those people are reading this, so we’re good on that front. 
  7. although I admit that it didn’t occur to me that one could make up a bunch of albums, and I’m mightily impressed that Ad-Rock did so.  
  8. every. Single. One