Favorite New TV Drama
Man, the list of nominees really blew up here. Uh. There’s like fifty shows in this category, and I’ve seen most of them, and most of them are terrible.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: I guess it’s Sleepy Hollow
Favorite New TV Comedy
It must just be every mildly-successful tv show that gets listed in these categories. I haven’t seen The Crazy Ones (despite Robin Williams) or Mom (despite Allison Janney), so obviously those can’t win. Sean Saves the World and The Millers should get to share an award for criminally wasting talented casts. The Michael J. Fox Show and Super Fun Night never seem to get out from around their respective stars. Dads is straight-up terrible shit. Trophy Wife and The Goldbergs are both fantastic shows, but only one of these shows starts Joe Lo Truglio.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Brooklyn Nine Nine
Favorite Series We Miss Most
Dexter’s ending made no one happy, so nobody misses it. Breaking Bad’s ending made everyone happy, so there’s no reason to miss it. The Office and 30 Rock were both limping pretty badly by the end – do we really want to revive that? It also isn’t Fringe. Because reasons.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: As much as I like the idea of having a category to honor a tv show that we’ve lost, I also have to say: very, very few shows have gone off the air and left the idea tha there could have been more to them. The series I miss the most is Community. Or the 30 Rock that I fell in love with. Or Dead Like Me. Can we just give the award to Dead Like Me?
Favorite Streaming Series
Oh man! We’re in the big time now! They’ve really reached legitimacy when there’s a People’s Choice Award for it! That’s true of both streaming series and bromances1. Anyway, my favorite streaming series is Burning Love, and that wasn’t nominated, because the people whose choices these are are stupid. It isn’t Losing It With John Stamos, I’m afraid I haven’t seen House of Cards, and I didn’t finish Orange is the New Black, all of which says that…well, that I haven’t watched them. I suppose that’s the problem here. On the one hand, I love Between Two Ferns. On the other hand, Arrested Development is an institution.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Boy oh boy did I just have a long argument about the merits of AD vs. those of BTF. I can’t make the choice. So I guess the rightful winner is Burning Love.
Favorite Late Night Talk Show Host
Alright, I can’t make this the third category in a row where I decide someone that wasn’t nominated should win, even if the rightful winner is actually Pete Holmes. On the other hand, I don’t actually care.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: I suppose it’s Stephen Colbert. Anyone who can stay in character for almost a decade is doing some pretty impressive work.
Favorite New Talk Show Host
My devotion to picking the rightful winners of awards at shows I care little about, in categories that I care even less about, has taken me to some pretty crazy places. And now here I am, looking at a list of people who, I guess, have talk shows that started recently, and having another category that should be won by Pete Holmes in which Pete Holmes does not appear. Why do the Choicing People hate Pete Holmes? It just doesn’t seem fair. Anyway, Aresenio Hall isn’t a new talk show host, even if he’s hosting a new talk show. Jenny McCarthy is a fruitbat, although it does bring to mind that Chris Hardwick is also hosting a show, and would also be a better choice for winner of this category. Bethenny Frankel is awful, Ross Matthews’ show always looks like it would make me sad, and we have another winner by default.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Queen Latifah, by default.
Favorite Daytime TV Host
Man, this is the long, dark talk-show-host time of the soul here. Alright. Any time I have to remember that Dr. Phil exists I want to cry. Rachael Ray’s talk show is dumb, but at least she doesn’t serve everything in it out of gravy boats2. I have nothing interesting, funny, or even worthwhile to say about Steve Harvey except that I’m glad he’s found something to keep him doing stuff, because I generally like him. I have even less to say about Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan, although I like that they would have to share the award.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Ellen Degeneres, and I’m perfectly ok with that.
Favorite TV Movie/Miniseries
Man, FX has really convinced people that each season of American Horror Story is its own separate miniseries. I had forgotten about The Bible entirely. What a shitshow that was. That doesn’t win any awards for anything ever, considering it was probably only nominated because of the worst kind of people. The sooner we start ignoring fake-terrible fake-zeitgeist-y fake camp like Sharknado, the sooner it will go away. Behind the Candelabra had some great one-liners and some great gay sex in it, but that’s not really enough to win the award, and the bits between the gay sex and the one-liners was….less than great. The White Queen was written by Emma Frost, which is an enormous coincidence3, and is officially the most interesting thing I know about that miniseries.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: American Horror Story, unless Emma Frost managed to put a scene in The White Queen in which Taissa Farmiga kills a bunch of zombies with a chainsaw.
Favorite Sci-Fi/Fantasy TV Actress
Welp. I don’t watch Beauty and the Beast, and I definitely don’t watch The Vampire Diaries, so in a shocking upset, this award does not deserve to go to Kristin Kreuk or Nina Dobrev. So sad. I like Tatiana Maslany as much as I like anything on Orphan Black, I like Emilia Clarke significantly less than I like most things on Game of Thrones (which I still don’t like very much), and it’s really hard to parse anything that takes place in the field of sff television. Ugh.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: I guess it’s Ginnifer Goodwin. But there’s no way I’m going to be happy about that.
Favorite Sci-Fi/Fantasy TV Actor
Ian Somerhalder has had quite a career in tv shows that I’m kind of ambivalent about. Except the Vampire Diaries. I am in no way ambivalent about that. I think Supernatural is dumb, if bubbly good fun (and actually, that might be enough to do it right there). The dude from Arrow is the worst part of a terrible show.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: I guess Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki together are, like, a People’s Choice Award worth of good.
Favorite Sci-Fi/Fantasy TV Show.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: The people who say that science fiction doesn’t work on television. I don’t know if they actually exist, or if they only exist in the demented arguments of Firefly fans, but if they are actual people, then I think I’m starting to agree with them.
Favorite On-Screen Chemistry
I have to assume, given the context, that what we’re talking about here is romantic chemistry. I also have to assume that all of the attendant Breaking Bad jokes are off limits, since Landry4 and Jesse aren’t nominated. I guess that’s what the same-sex categories (up next) are for. ANYWAY. Romantic tension is my least favorite kind of tension, so I’m calling this category stupid.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Whatever cocktail of uppers/downers/brain obliterators enables the cast of Grey’s Anatomy to still go to work every day.
Favorite TV Gal Pals
The first draft of this was a joke about Kat Dennings brontosaurus boobs. I deleted that and now am writing this. I hope you people appreciate everything I do for you. Anyway, this category is basically a perfect storm of shows I don’t watch. Even Glee fans don’t like Glee anymore, I’m kind of amazed at Grey’s Anatomy’s longevity5, but I just gave it the last category, and how far does being old get you, really? I didn’t know The Big Bang Theory had a character named Bernadette? Penny’s the blond one and Amy is the physicist, so Bernadette must be the… garbage truck driver? Sports fan? Person who reads books? I don’t even know.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Well, I didn’t come up with anything derisive and/or dismissive to say about How I Met Your Mother, so I guess it’s Robin and Willow.
Favorite TV Bromance
These categories are bananas. Apparently, Castle is Nathan Fillion’s character’s name. If I weren’t allergic to Nathan Fillion, I might even have watched enough to know that, but I am, so I haven’t, so I don’t even know who Ryan and Esposito are (neither of them is Nathan Fillion’s character, though). Similarly, Supernatural seems to appeal to the “young people who like soap operas on the internet” crowd that I’ve never really trusted the taste of6, so I’ve been wary (although I recently discovered that The Tick’s Ben Edlund is involved, so maybe I’ll turn out to be wrong) of watching it, and I don’t know anything about Sam, Dean and Castiel. The world is at some kind of Neil Patrick Harris saturation point, and I can’t in all good faith encourage that. Glee is still dumb.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: I feel like I’d pretty happily hang out with Jim Parsons and Simon Helberg, and perhaps The Dude From Roseanne would even have some good stories about having been on Roseanne. So I’d give it to the actors themselves, because I still don’t like their show.
Favorite TV Antihero
It just makes the whole thing seem so…tawdry. I’m all for Breaking Bad getting all sorts of praise, but god damn do I not want Walter White’s character reduced to “anti-hero”. That’s would be like referring to the funny and talented Kat Dennings as the “framing device for television’s best gal pals,” which is something I would not ever do. ahem. Bates Motel was a dumb idea that I can’t even get behind enough to try out, The Walking Dead remains a shitshow (and also – Rick? And not Darrell? You people are nuts). Jaime Lannister was a yutz in as far as I’ve read in the books (which is, I think, the first three?), and I can’t imagine they’ve done much to fix that on the tv show.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Well, we’re left with Dexter, which is a win in two ways: one, it’s another award for Michael C. Hall, because he simply did not get enough of them for Six Feet Under, and it’s also a way to twit Dexter fans, as apparently the last season of Dexter was something they didn’t like7.
Favorite Cable TV Actress
I am entirely derailed by seeing that that is really how Courteney Cox really spells her first name. How did I never notice that before? Dear lord. Are you guys tired of me saying a show I haven’t watched looks stupid? Oh wait, you can’t hear me ask that. Obviously, Pretty Little Liars looks stupid, and I haven’t watched it. And, since I’m neither a pedophile nor a coma patient, I presume I won’t be watching it any time soon. Rizolli & Isles provided many a funny punchline for Doug Loves Movies, and that’s about the extent of my knowledge about it. Claire Danes is insulting counter-terrorism and the mentally ill simultaneously, which is pretty impressive.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Maggie Smith, who really Maggies it up at that Abbey.
Favorite Premium Cable TV Show
The word “premium”’s use to mean “reward” is actually its initial use – it comes from the Latin roots prae and emiere and, weirdly enough, it was apparently originally used in its “this is good shit” meaning to advertise butter. Unfortunately, the story of how it came to mean “tv channels that you have to pay extra for on top of the extra you’re already paying for cable” – which is, if you think about it, the opposite of the word’s original meaning in every sense, as it’s neither free nor particularly good – is not as interesting as that bit about the butter.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: oh, right. Probably Girls, since Homeland went to dumb in a right hurry.
Favorite Cable TV Drama
So in this category we have: not Upstairs Downstairs (Downton Abbey), not Gossip Girl (Pretty Little Liars), not the Lion King (Sons of Anarchy), not Monk (White Collar) and not A Good Television Show (The Walking Dead). I think, y’all, that it’s time to start supporting better television.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Nogoddamnbody. And we should all go to our rooms to think about what we’ve done here.
Favorite Cable TV Comedy
Television comedy is always better than television drama, for reasons innumerable (not the least of which is that comedy is almost always better than drama in most media). That said, this is also a pretty poor turnout. Cougar Town squandered a lot of potential, no matter how much Abed liked it. Hot in Cleveland wasted slightly less – although still a considerable amount of – potential, but also wasn’t really ever expected to be anything other than….whatever it ended up being. Melissa & Joey tries really hard. Psych and Awkward are both impressively long-running for how limited their premises seemed.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: I don’t know, maybe we should just….shut down a bunch of cable channels? Or, like, force them into a room until they can come up with something better? They’re getting outmaneuvered by networkd comedies, which was supposed to be the thing that didn’t happen. Yikes.
Favorite Competition TV Show
There are still so many of these! Alright. I get The Voice and The X Factor confused with each other. One has Adam Levine and the other has Demi Lovato, right? I mean, and some other judges also. America’s Got Talent is a fine idea in practice, but has a terrible judging panel and is entirely too long, in terms of number of episodes per season. I feel like I don’t even have to mention that it isn’t going to be Dancing With the Stars, right?
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: MasterChef. It’s tight, it’s interesting, it’s a real hoot, and also a kid that looks exactly like Julia Child won their weird Juniors season.
Favorite TV Crime Drama
Oh my god, the television awards portion of this is fucking interminable. There are so many categories! Why do we need all of these categories? Crime drama, then. Uh.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Honestly, are all of these even different shows? Jesus. Which one’s got Ted Danson on it? I like that one. Y’know, theoretically. Because I like Ted Danson.
Favorite Actress in a New TV Series
You know how sometimes an actress plays a role that is so fixed in your brain, such an indomitable part of something that you enjoy, that it becomes hard to watch them in other things? But not in a bad way – just in the way that they so embody a character that forms a big part of your day-to-day enjoyment, so when you see them in things you think “oh hey, that reminds me of this other thing that I like so I’m basically going to like this now.” Right. Well, Sarah-Michelle Gellar and Allison Janney are both nominated in this category. But I don’t like Buffy and I don’t have any particular attachment to the West Wing. Super Fun Night is embarrassing with or without Rebel Wilson, and Anna Farris remains Anna Farris.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: FINN’S MOM! Even though Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is pretty execrable, Finn’s Mom is on it8!
Favorite Actor in a New TV Series
It’s kind of depressing how many of these people are actually long-weathered veterans. Unfortunately, the least-veteran of these people is on The Vampire Diaries, which manages to be the worst vampire show in this list. Jonathan Rhys-Meyers is trying really hard with Dracula, which had a very silly first couple of episodes (I hear it’s gotten better). Michael J. Fox and Robin Williams probably have a bunch of these things already.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Andy Samberg, because he’s much, much funnier than I would’ve thought on Brooklyn Nine Nine
Favorite Dramatic TV Actress
Man, Law and Order: SVU is even longer-running than Grey’s Anatomy, which is just ridiculous. As fun as all of that is, it’s also hard to get excited about lauding Mariska Hargitay (who is boring) or Sandra Oh (who’s been the most affable part of her show for a long time) for doing the same thing for a very long time. Similarly, Pauley Perette has been playing variations on basically the same character for, like, fifty tv shows in a row now9. Stana Katic is on Castle! Lots of people are on Castle! Everybody is on Castle! I don’t know where to go with this category!
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Mrs. Coach’s hair again! It’s on a TV drama! It deserves two awards! Exclamation points!
Favorite Dramatic TV Actor
Seriously, though. The entire cast of NCIS is nominated for awards. What the hell is happening? YOU DO NOT WIN THIS AWARD, MARK HARMON. YOU DO NOT. You can probably repeat the same sentiment for Patrick Dempsey INRE: Grey’s Anatomy, because I don’t have anything more to say about Grey’s Anatomy. I like Kevin Bacon a lot, but I’m not very interested in The Following. I also like Superman Jesus a bunch, but unfortunately, he’s up against probably my favorite television actor in the history of acting on television.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Dan Rydell.
Favorite Network TV Drama
Ser. I. Ous. Ly. Grey’s. Anatomy. So if any of you have been paying attention this far, you might expect that Mrs. Coach’s Hair will win this category, but you’re wrong. I have literally no end of good things to say about Parenthood. It’s actually on my television as I write this. It’s so good, y’all.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Parenthood
Favorite TV Comedy Actress
Jane Lynch and Melissa McCarthy are two of my favorite comedic actresses period. Unfortunately, they’re both on awful shows. Handily, this also eliminates Lea Michele. The contrarian in me wants to say it’s Zooey Deschanel because she’s managed not to do anything impossibly irritating, but then I remember that that fucking Siri commercial was only a year ago.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Have you noticed that these get less and less analyitical as they go? They totally do! Anyway, it’s Kaley Cuoco because I can’t think of a reason it shouldn’t be other than that I don’t like her show, which is somehow working for Lea Michele and not Kaley Cuoco. There needs to be another season of Louie this year so that I have Pamela Adlon on standby for these categories.
Favorite Comedic TV Actor
Why are two of the nominees in this category from Glee? Jesus, that’s depressing. It’s almost as depressing as the rest of this category.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: I’ve basically run out of things to say about Jim Parsons and Neil Patrick Harris, so I guess it goes to Jesse Tyler Ferguson, for no particular reason actually.
Favorite Network TV Comedy
Alright, I’m going to go ahead and say that this Glee thing is either an enormous failing on my part – I seriously thought the damn show barely existed, let alone was going to win popularity contests. Is this because the dude died? Because if it’s because the dude died, that’s terrible. Anyway. It’s not Glee, it’s not 2 Broke Girls, it’s not The Big Bang Theory, it’s not How I Met Your Mother, and it’s not actually Modern Family.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Like, two minutes of dead air. Jesus.
2 see, because on her cooking show, all of the non-metal items in her line of cooking vessels looks like a gravy boat. It’s so frigging weird to watch her pour, like, potato chunks from the gravy boat she baked them in into the gravy boat she’s going to serve them from and then watch her pour gravy on them from…a pan. EVERYTHING YOU DESIGN IS MADE TO LOOK LIKE A GRAVY BOAT. This is a very specific gripe.
3 in the pre X-Men: First Class days, in the X-Men Comic Books, Emma Frost actually had a code name – she was the White Queen, just as Sebastian Shaw (also stripped of his supervillain name) was the Black King.
4 whose real name is, in fact, Jesse. MORE FUN WITH NAMES.
5 NB: This is not actually a value judgment on the show, which is probably fine, and which I think I’ve seen three episodes of. I’m just surprised that it’s still happening. It’s been on forever.
6 This is the same group of people that kept Smallville on the air and who complain about Firefly not being on the air despite, y’know, not having watched it when it was.
7 Nobody tell them the whole damn show was terrible.
8 she was also, apparently, in some episodes of Two and a Half Men, which puts my entire earlier thesis to bed.
9 what is it about crime procedurals that draw women with fantastic names?