What comes before bachelor part B? BACHELOR PARTAAAAAAY

So I’m a little behind, but at the end of last week, this craigslist posting went up, seeking someone for a little topless D&D action for a bachelor party. What follows is the list of questions, in order, provoked by this list.

1) What other game can you get “dungeon master experience” in? Was the Hackmaster gamerunner guy called a Dungeon Master? I guess Pathfinder probably has a Dungeon Master, but I’d still think that some kind of lawsuit-avoidant “Master of Dungeons” title would be required there. Still and all, you say “dungeon master” and people know the game you mean.

2) This isn’t a question: but it does my heart glad to see people not chasing WOTC around from edition to edition. 3.5 is the bomg.

3) Why is “future husband to be” in quotes? Is this, in fact, a real bachelor party? Actually, I bet they don’t even know how to play dungeouns and dragons, and have never done so before now. This is all some kind of hastily-put-together ruse, isn’t it? ADMIT IT.

4) They would “prefer” it if the woman were topless? Is this like in scholarships, where they say “preference is granted” to an albino because it goes to an albino? Why would you put this ad together and then say “you know what, you can’t be topless, but I guess you can come talk to us about elves in a tavern and periodically have us make spot checks for a few minutes while we drool over your sensible cardigan.” Seriously, just ask for the thing you’ve made the ad for, guys. Seriously.

5) Why just the “future husband to be”? Is this happening against the will of the other “guys” (for more on this usage of quotes, see a little further down)? Are you…are you all just terrified of women and happened to find yourselves in possession of a bunch of dice?

6) Now, I know that what the guy that wrote this ad means by “an exciting adventure,” but I have two sub-questions here:
a) does he not realize that being rapenapped and kept in the dungeon of a bunch of “guys” that includes a “future husband” would, in the, “while this person is being rescued by Mark Wahlberg” sense of the term, qualify as “an exciting adventure”? I mean, really, it’s such an open-ended phrase.
b) but actually, he makes no mention of prep work. I don’t know how many of you have any kind of Dungeons and Dragons experience, but I can assure you, mine is extensive, and one of the things that I know about the whole ball of yarn is that it takes some goddamn prep work. Oh sure, you can just wing it with some cockamamie “story” – you meet somebody in a tavern they tell you to go to the castle because of mysterious disappearances you fight some goblins you meet a mysterious stranger he shows you the caverns you fight a dragon – but this is, clearly, the last topless woman you’re going to stare at awkwardly until you join the ranks of the married world. Or “join” the “ranks” of the “married” “world”, in any case. Are you going to make her waste her boob-exposure time looking up charts and rolling for random encounters? God, you guys are the absolute worst.

7) you “assure” her. “ensure” is a different thing entirely, and you probably can’t do that. You might could “insure” her with some sort of fraud thing, but I don’t even feel like writing a joke about your bad typing. Be more better.

8) WAIT. NOW THE VERSION NUMBER IS SPECIFIC BUT THE EXPERIENCE IS SUGGESTED? WHAT THE HELL, PEOPLE?

9) the “no nudes” clause is the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. So you want this woman to talk to you about kobold hordes while in the semi-altogether (the sometogether?), but you don’t want to know what her sweaterpups look like before you see them? Isn’t a nude just, like….I can understand if you said “doesn’t have to be a nude.” I can understand wanting to see the woman you’re going to be looking at topless – or theoretically topless, or at least “topless” – before the time comes to actually stare it in the face. As it were. The face that’s up HERE, guys. But “nude not necessary” is different from “nude not allowed.” I don’t understand it. You’re going to be looking at part of the thing that makes a nude picture a nude picture.

10) Especially if you’re going to stipulate that you want them to be big. I mean “c or greater” actually covers a pretty big swath of ground, but still.

11) I think the fact that they’re willing to provide books indicates to me, that they not only have done none of the necessary prep, but that they actually have no idea that there is prep. D&D is already basically improv theatre with a dorky bent and spellcasting rules, I can’t even imagine how they think they’re going to do it without even a blueprint. Also it seems a little….hardnosed to say it must be stated ahead of time. Observe:

WOMAN WHO RESPONDS TO THE AD: “hey guys, I’m a skinny blonde with d cup funbags and I want to show them to you, but I don’t have the 3.5 DMG and I forgot to mention it.”

“GUY” 1: NO. YOU GET NOTHING. TAKE YOUR BOUNCY, FLOUNCY SHIRTMEAT AND GO BACK FROM WHENCE YOU CAME. NO AMOUNT OF TITFLESH CAN MAKE UP FOR THE FACT THAT YOU DON’T LET US KNOW IN ADVANCE OF YOUR NEEDS.

See? Now no one is happy, least of all the guy who’s “about” to be “married”

12) I know what you’re thinking, you think that I’m going to take “guys” as an excuse to impugn their masculinity. Well, you couldn’t be wronger if your name was “Gravity is Optional,” my imaginary friend. I’m going to point out that, by saying that each of them is “Gentlemen,” that they are using the plural “Guys” to refer to each of the individual entities in question. Actually, they aren’t even human in the first place: this is the first incursion upon the world that we live in by the squirrels, who have made five Voltron-esque figures that claim to enjoy human breasts and also Dungeons and Dragons.

13) as further evidence, they are all “over 24.” Now, I guess this means that the youngest of them is 25, which makes this statement technically accurate and could even be useful information, but honestly. It doesn’t say how far over 24. Diane Keaton is over 24. So’s Anna Kendrick. I think that probably would’ve made more sense if I’d have picked men, but I didn’t. Because they’re squirrrels, and probably intend for this whole breast-viewing angle to be a way to gather evidence for how to tell the difference between human sexes by means of their secondary sexual characteristics.

14) the utmost of respect is a great deal of respect, and I think it doesn’t include ogling. That’s not a question.

15) Actually, the first, like, fifty times I read this ad, in various states of boggled mind and goggled peepers, I read that they didn’t want the session to last any more than 30 minutes. But no, it clearly says “less.” That’s ok, then. I guess 30 minutes of toplessness over which time a bunch of dice are rolled seems kinda reasonable, but it’s not really enough time to get anything done, adventure-wise. Unless, of course, you’re a bunch of squirrels who are asking a semi-naked stranger to wing something off the top of her head. Then half an hour is a lifetime.

16) I really wonder about the need for compensation. What they’re looking for is such a specific thing that I would imagine anyone that would do it would be willing to do it for the sake of the experience of doing it. I guess you can’t really put that in the craigslist ad. Also: squirrels probably are baffled and bewildered by human currency, so she probably got paid in, like, acorns.

17) THEY DON’T. EVEN. HAVE. A DATE. The wedding, for the record, is today! The 11th! (that’s why this goes up today, the 11th!) So here’s hoping they got their “preference” and were able to send off their friend with a half-naked session before that knot was tied, and the only topless mastering of dungeons he is permitted is the kind that takes place under strict marital guidance. Also, “the location has yet to be determined?” We want you to show up, with no prep or guidance, wtih your own materials, somewhere (but we don’t know where), we’re probably squirrels, and we certainly don’t know how to punctuate, because our friend is getting married and wants to combine Gelatinous Cubes and nipples. No weirdos.