It’s the Teen Choice Awards! When it’s August and I don’t have anything else to write about, I dip into them to see what the fine people at Fox think that teenagers are telling them about what they want to sit through. It’s all very exciting.
It has sixty thousand categories, and many of them are completely incoherent, so in addition to being an awards show that I am decidedly outside the purview of 1, it is also, even if I do know everyone involved in any given category, the case that I have absolutely no idea what I’m supposed to be evaluating. As a result, I’ll be doing this one speed-round style, where I don’t say much about all the nominees, just a bit about the category in general and then a pronouncement.
So strap in, everybody, because this one goes to some pretty crazy places!
Choice Changemaker
Surely Selena Gomez has done what she can by her causes – she’s executive producing 13 Reasons Why, among other things – but only one of these people went so far as to get arrested to change what she saw as a combatable injustice, so it goes to that one, on sheer conviction 2 if nothing else.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Shailene Woodley
Choice Video Game
It’s nice of them to throw a bone to The Olds by including a game for Old People, in the form of the most recent Zelda game. Since I’m a Zelda fan over all the rest of these, I will happily chew on said bone.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Choice Dancer
I think it is weird that I know who more of these people are than many of the other categories here at the bottom of the list. I mean, not super weird. I’m not in a twilight zone episode or anything. Just a little bit weird. Still don’t have anything to say about them, though.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Julianne Hough
Choice Comedian
Obviously the Dolan Twins can’t be the best comedian singular because they are plural. Come on, Teen Choice Awards, you don’t have enough rules that you do follow to be throwing out even more of them.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Hasan Minhaj
Choice Female Athlete
Again with the twins! Anyway, this category really highlights how little attention is paid to women’s sports in most aspects of the country, so great job to the Teen Choice Awards for including it, even if it’s just out of some weird need to segregate awards show categories.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Elena Delle Donne, because one of my low-key favorite things about basketball is that the “small” forward is definitely not that.
Choice Male Athlete
I can’t imagine answering anything other than Lebron James, but I do also support giving awards to John Cena, just because it would be funny to watch the award float around onscreen as though no one was holding it 3.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Lebron James
Choice Model
True story: a couple of years ago I watched a local newscaster lose all of his whole entire composure over a brief piece on Ashley Graham’s first Sports Illustrated appearance 4, and that memory has entertained me more than any other thing any of these models have done. Now, it wasn’t technically within the eligibility period for these here awards, but I’m going to allow it because 1) there are a billion more categories to get through and 2) it’s really funny.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Ashley Graham
Choice Style Icon
Wait, isn’t Cara Delevingne also a model? I guess if you’ve been in three cinematic boondoggles in as many years 5 you’re officially an “actress.” This seems dumb. Anyway, she’s a more interesting dresser than almost anything else so there you have it.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Cara Delevingne
Choice Female Hottie
I hate these categories. I normally elect not to spend any more time on them than necessary 6, and perhaps this is precisely the wrong year to take another approach, but why not play the game a little? It’s not my thing at all, but I can imagine that if Zendaya had happened in a world where I were a younger me, I would have a lot of feelings about her. And Spiderman: Homecoming was awesome.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Zendaya
Choice Male Hottie
For the record, this category is four members of One Direction, and two Canadian pop stars.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Zayn Malik
Choice Snapchatter
I’m very old, but I also do enjoy when people turn themselves into punchlines. Or rather when people who were already punchlines decide to lean in on their punchline status. Folks who “play themselves,” as it were.It makes me happy.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: DJ Khaled
Choice YouTuber
Well, Jake Paul has made himself synonymous with “jerkbag” in the last couple of months 7, and he was the one of these dudes I had any real familiarity with before this, so I guess we’ll just give it to last year’s winner, the Dolan Twins. This is despite my earlier proclamation that plural humans shouldn’t win awards for singular categories. My principles are being constantly eroded, here.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: The Dolan Twins
Choice Instagrammer
Why don’t we call them Instagrammas? Like a gramma. But with Instagram. I think this should happen. Who do I call to propose my change? Anyway, I don’t like Instagram much.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Beyonce? I guess?
Choice Twit
It’s funny, see, because it’s lightly perjorative and it sounds also is part of the word “twitter.” Laffs aplenty here at the Teen Choice Awards.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Chrissy Teigen
Choice Muser
If it’s possible to know less about Muse now than I did last year, then I have gone and done that. If it is not possible, then, well, I have nothing else to say about it now, certainly.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: I mean, I don’t even know what qualities would go into being the best at using Muse. So whoever is the complete, diametric opposite of me, then.
Choice Music Web Star
I sort of get what they’re going for here (someone who makes music and is primarily famous for their presence on largely non-music-specific portions of the web, i.e. YouTube or Snapchat or whatever), but I also think that, like, most musicians also have web presences of some sort? I feel like I’m getting petulant (and pedantic!) in my not knowing who the ACTUAL GODDAMN HECKING HECK ANY OF THESE HECKING PEOPLE ARE.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Leroy Sanchez’s wikipedia page and YouTube videos contain nothing that make me hate him, therefore it is him.
Choice Fashion/Beauty Web Star
It’s not saying anything new to point out that one of the things that YouTube has enabled is the rise of the YouTube makeup vlogger. I think, generally, that’s pretty cool! Makeup is a thing that a lot of people care about a lot, and it’s something to which a lot of skill and selection abilities can be applied! But also I don’t know anything about it or this or anything at all because I am so hopelessly old that I just applied for the job of Cryptkeeper and was rejected for being too old.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Aw what the hell, they made a whole movie about Gigi Gorgeous, that’s good enough for me.
Choice Gamer
Doesn’t Thomas Middleditch do a bunch of stuff on Twitch? Can’t I just award this to Thomas Middleditch? I think it would make me happier if I could. And, after all, it’s my website.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Thomas Middleditch
Choice Comedy Web Star
I know that there are practical reasons why they can’t just say “YouTube” in all of these categories or whatever, but honestly. When I think of comedy on the web, I think of comedy podcasts 8, which are not what we’re covering here. I’m about to go full Abe Simpson on this set of awards. I will say, however, that it is interesting, this year, to look at how many of these people are refugees from Vine, which stopped existing a little bit ago.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Colleen Ballenger
Choice Female Web Star
So one of the things that happen when you look these folks up on Wikipedia 9, provided they have a Wikipedia page, is that you are left with the distinct impression that people are constantly making lists of young people and populating them with the folks that would end up Teen Choice Awards nominees. It’s something I would not have known about, and I suppose it makes sense and all (there are several industries built on profiting off of “cool” “young” “people”), but it’s still a weird world that I have basically no experience with, except for the once a year (or so) that I look at this awards show. Oh also, there’s more twins in this one. Enough with the twins already.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Lilly Singh, I suppose
Choice Male Web Star
I love the Charli XCX video for “Boys” so much that anyone in it gets free awards. That’s the truth.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Cameron Dallas
Choice Summer Music Tour
Usually, I thank whatever powers that need thanking that I didn’t have to go to any of these events. But I very nearly went to see Kendrick on this tour 10, so I guess it has to be that one.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Kendrick Lamar, DAMN Tour
Choice Summer Group
Sometimes I think that maybe the world isn’t worth saving.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Literally cold stony silence is better than any of this.
Choice Summer Female Artist
Of all of these summery ladies, only one was willing to put someone on blast for lying about an affection for the beach. If Howard Kremer is to be taken as a reliable source 11, then the beach is one of the very cornerstones of Summer, and defending it and making sure that people are honest about their beach feelings can only be seen as a strong pro-Summer move. Plus she mentions sharks. She’s really got this locked up.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Lorde
Choice Summer Male Artist
Seriously, do we need to keep nominating the One Direction also-rans for things? I propose that we do not. Stick to the major One D players, folks.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Harry Styles
Choice Summer Song
I’m not sure what makes any of these “summer” songs 12, other than the time that they charted. Of course, I never know the words to anything ever anyway, so they could all be 100% about summer and I wouldn’t be aware.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Bruno Mars, “That’s What I Like”
Choice Next Big Thing
Two of these are terrible DJs 13, two of these are bands signed to The Vamps’ record label, the remaining one is literally a thirteen year old girl.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Deaf people
Choice Breakout Artist
I suppose if one decides that one can redefine “breakout” in a way that includes Chance the Rapper in the last year or so, then I am willing to do so. Even though Acid Rap was a long time ago, guys. Because my second choice would have to be, like, Halsey, I guess? It’s tough out here.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Chance the Rapper
Choice Pop Song
This one functionally comes down to Rihanna’s worst song in years vs. Bruno Mars’s worst song ever!
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Rihanna, “Love on the Brain”
Choice Music Collaboration
OK, so, “Closer” by the Chainsmokers and Halsey is a better song than all of these songs 14, but is not in this category. I guess it wasn’t collaborative enough? That’s dumb.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: The Chainsmokers, “Closer” (f. Halsey)
Choice Latin Song
I genuinely, unabashedly love this Prince Royce song.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Prince Royce, “Deja Vu” (f. Shakira)
Choice Rock Song
I have a hard time defending the nomination of Lorde’s “Green Light” as a “rock” song – it has basically zero rock-music elements – but it’s hands-down far and away the best song nominated in the category 15, and I’d rather see it go to a song that is good, even if it means that the genre distinction in the category name means frigging nothing. These are the compromises we must make in trying times.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Lorde, “Green Light”
Choice R&B/Hip-Hop Song
Donald Glover created my favorite television show of last year. He also created his own best album as Childish Gambino, a project I’m on the record as not being as enthusiastic about as I am his acting/writing work. It’s enough to get him through this category though.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Childish Gambino, “Redbone”
Choice Country Song
Boy, there’s just nothing more depressing than that Florida Georgia Line and Backstreet Boys song, right? I mean, not actually depressing in the subject matter, I mean depressing as a thing that exists in the world. Let’s stop thinking about it now.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Thomas Rhett, “Craving You” (f Maren Morris)
Choice Electronic/Dance Song
Somebody should tell Quavo that he’s allowed to turn down requests to be on songs. Does he have enormous debts? Is someone holding his family hostage? I suspect we’ll never know.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Clean Bandit, “Rockabye” (f Sean Paul & Anne-Marie) 16
Choice Song: Group
The name of this category makes me want to die. The nominees in this category make me want to die. This whole thing makes me want to die.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: The Chainsmokers, “Closer” (f. Halsey)
Choice Song: Female Artist
Did you know that it’s been very nearly a year since a woman topped the pop charts? And that no woman is currently in the top 10? This is because of a weird fluke where most of the women that have been on the pop charts are currently between releases, and in fact almost everyone on the charts is someone non-standard. Anyway. These songs certainly shouldn’t be #1 anywhere, because they’re all dreadful.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: With a highly qualified definition of “rightful,” let’s say Selena Gomez for “Bad Liar”
Choice Song: Male Artist
I swear that I could probably even forget that I like Bruno Mars at all, so low is his actual impact on my day-to-day life 17, if it wasn’t for awards shows, where he’s often hands-down the very best person in the categories in which he tends to be nominated
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Bruno Mars, “That’s What I Like”
Choice Rock Artist
This category remains terrible, like it always is, but I’m not inhuman. When Chester Bennington lost the battle with his depression that he’d been fighting, writing about, talking about and singing about for my entire adult life, it was a terrible thing, and a lot of people from a lot of different corners spoke well and emotionally about how Linkin Park’s music affected them. And that is the kind of thing that one starts writing music to be able to do, so let’s go ahead and award them wherever possible, because it isn’t nothing, and it’s as noble and as decent an effect as anyone can have.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Linkin Park
Choice Country Artist
It’s not that I like Kelsea Ballerini particularly, it’s that I have stopped writing about country music in this space almost entirely because it’s just the same goddamn people year in and year out. Country music may continue to be relatively (by 2017 standards) successful sales-wise, but it’s almost certainly because they keep the number of artists in the record-selling industry’s country-music purview very, very low. So it makes any sort of novelty at all seem like a godsend.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Kelsea Ballerini
Choice Vinyl Artist
So I cannot find the nominees for this one. They are not on the Teen Choice Awards website, they are not on Wikipedia, they are not on anything that google can bring me. Given this situation, I’m going to give the award to the fine people at Funko, who make those great POP! Vinyl doll things. If they won’t give me information, I’ll just deliberately misread the category. That’ll teach ‘em.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Funko.
Choice Latin Artist
I refuse to cave to the notion that “Despacito” is anything other than a dumb, terrible song 18, and that’s a shame, because I don’t dislike Daddy Yankee generally. I guess that’s why Shakira is here?
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Shakira
Choice Electronic/Dance Artist
There’s a part of me that wants to point out that the EDM thing is probably played out, given that the names in this category haven’t changed in several years, and then I remember that that is also true in the country music categories, so I guess EDM is super healthy and we’re never, ever going to be free of David Guetta.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: The eventual heat death of the universe
Choice R&B/Hip Hop Artist
How often do you suppose, in the history of the Teen Choice Awards, has the (possible) best rapper going 19 been nominated for a Teen Choice Award? I bet it is not often!
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Kendrick Lamar
Choice Music Group
I don’t have any suggestions for what a better name for this category would be 20, but nothing makes this sound like a bunch of stuff named by old people than the phrase “music group”. I can’t really explain why this is so, but, y’know, I don’t have much else to say here, so there you have it.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Hard to call any of this “rightful,” but why not The Vamps? They’re the least worst! Probably!
Choice Female Artist
At least in the artist categories we can consider people holistically, which helps immensely. It’s true that each and every one of these people has done something I have enjoyed (although in the case of Hailee Steinfeld, Ariana Grande and Selena Gomez that thing is “act” and not “sing”), none of them have done so very recently.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Katy Perry
Choice Male Artist
Sort of the companion piece to Bruno Mars, The Weeknd’s place in theee writeups disguises that while I once was excited to the point of obsession with his recorded output, I now find it to be fine, serviceable pop music that largely has little to do with his early promise. But, y’know, he’s still the best one here.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: The Weeknd
Choice Hissy Fit
Noooooo oooooooone commits like Gaston
To throw fits like Gaston
You can write the receipt on a chit for Gaston!
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Luke Evans, Beauty and the Beast
Choice Liplock
I still hate “best kiss” categories. I liked Wonder Woman so much, though.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Chris Pine and Gal Gadot, Wonder Woman
Choice Scene Stealer
While I might quibble with Michael Rooker being included here – he didn’t “steal” scenes so much as “take scenes when he was given scenes,” I feel like he’s also the only choice . He’s Mary Poppins, y’all.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Michael “Mary Poppins, Y’all” Rooker
Choice TV Ship
I would like to point out that Lili Reinhart and Cole Sprouse are currently playing Betty and Jughead on Riverdale, which is a pairing so non-canonical and, indeed, blasphemous that I can only assume that the powers that decide these nominations are trying to get the planet smited. Smote. Whichever.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: It’s not Jughead and Betty, I tell you what.
Choice Summer TV Actress
I refuse to believe that “teens” are clamouring for the cast of Younger to get awards. Come on now. Anyway.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Cierra Ramirez, The Fosters
Choice Summer TV Actor
That Shadowhunters show isn’t so bad!
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Harry Shum, Jr., Shadowhunters
Choice Summer TV Show
This year’s America’s Got Talent has a great ventriloquist girl on it, which means it has officially entertained me more than the rest of the shows that are nominated in this category.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: America’s Got Talent
Choice Breakout TV Show
These categories are made way easier when only one of the choices is actually any damn good.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Stranger Things
Choice Breakout TV Star
I mean, Finn Wolfhard is the choice breakout name, certainly. That’s a great name. I wish my name was Finn Wolfhard. Ah, well. He doesn’t win this award anyway.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Millie Bobbie Brown, Stranger Things
Choice TV Villain
The fact that Grant Gustin is nominated for playing the villain on The Flash makes me think I should start watching The Flash again, if only to see what the hell is going on over there. So at least it has me intrigued.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Grant Gustin, The Flash
Choice TV Personality
I would love to have a clever Hot Take about James Corden, but nah. I like him. Just like everybody else. Hard not to, really.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: James Corden
Choice Throwback TV Show
If I’m reading the website correctly, the nominees for these categories were decided via Twitter, which is pleasingly democratic 21, which means these are shows that people inclined to nominate for the Teen Choice Awards are watching on whatever streaming platform hosts them (or whatever?). This makes this all much weirder. But it’s a fine idea, I suppose.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Veronica Mars
Choice Reality TV Show
Masterchef Junior has gone, in its brief few seasons, from being a refreshingly-positivity-focused cooking competition show to being a kind-of stage-parent-abetted nightmare. The contestants no longer seem liked spirited, weirdly-proficient kids and instead seem very much like weirdly-obsessed-over highly-trained kidtomatons. A number of them have parlayed their television appearances into kid-acting careers 22, and several times each season they appear to be groomed and managed (not all of them, but certainly many of them) in a way I find deeply, existentially depressing. All of that notwithstanding, it’s still the only show in this list of nominees that’s at all watchable.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Masterchef Junior
Choice Animated Show
Rick and Morty had the decency to finally come back, so the least we can do is praise it to the heavens so that everyone appreciates it while it’s around.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Rick and Morty
Choice Comedy TV Actress
Rose McIver does the difficult job of being funny on a semi-comedic procedural about zombies in which she has to also do a bunch of heavy acting lifting. That’s impressive by any yardstick, really.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Rose McIver, iZombie
Choice Comedy TV Actor
Hudson Yang has, over the course of Fresh Off the Boat, really grown into his performances, which has been pretty satisfying to watch. He’s no Andy Samberg, of course, but then, who is?
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Andy Samberg, Brooklyn Nine Nine
Choice Comedy TV Show
I do have to wonder, at this point, if there are teenagers that are getting anything particularly out of Fuller House. Whatever joys it may contain 23 seem firmly rooted in being a nostalgia-watch – an opportunity to check back in with people who populated a television show when older people were children, and as a result might be comforted by their continued presence. Of course I don’t know any actual teenagers, so I may be missing something important.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Choice Action TV Actress
Whatever else there is to say about Supergirl, most of its charms rely on Melissa Benoit’s performance, so I guess this one goes to her.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Melissa Benoist, Supergirl
Choice Action TV Actor
Of all the things I find baffling here, many of them I am able to write off as just being a product of “I am old and it is not for me”. But man, Prison Break is just not good, if it ever was (and I’ll hear whatever arguments people make about the first season). And yet, here Wentworth Miller continues to be. I can’t think of a famous person named Miller that I wouldn’t rather see getting awards before him.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Uuuuuh…Grant Gustin? I guess he’s a villain now, so that’s something.
Choice Action TV Show
At least Supergirl is brightly colored and optimistic.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Supergirl
Choice Sci-Fi/Fantasy Actress
As someone who’s watched Burning Love multiple times, I have often found myself exclaiming my surprise that most of the women from the first season didn’t have tonnes of work, and were not on everything all the time 24. One of those women is Abigail Spencer, who is now on Timeless, a show that I have watched every episode of despite it being, y’know, pretty bad. So I’m happy to say she is deserving of this award, and even that Timeless is better than the rest of these shows, even though “somehow underused despite being the star of a pretty-awful show about time travel” isn’t quite the thing I had in mind.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Abigail Spencer, Timeless
Choice Sci-Fi/Fantasy TV Actor
Did you know that Matthew Daddario is the brother of True Detective and Baywatch star Alexandra Daddario? Did you know that neither of them has anything to do with guitar strings? Did you know that Shadowhunter is what ultimately came of the faltering The Mortal Instruments movie series that didn’t actually happen? All of those things are true!
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Matthew Daddario, Shadowhunters
Choice Drama TV Actress
The nominees here are Bella Thorne and five different actors for Pretty Little Liars. We can add Pretty Little Liars to things I just don’t get.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Ashley Benson, Pretty Little Liars
Choice Drama TV Actor
Sterling K. Brown is the safe bet, although he wasn’t nominated for The People vs. OJ Simpson (which happened before the eligibility period for this year’s Teen Choice Awards). He’s still a fine actor, even in This is Us, which is not fine.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Sterling K. Brown, This is Us
Choice Drama TV Show
I want to continue to like Empire unreservedly, because it’s still a retired train 25, but I can’t. I do still like it extremely reservedly, however, which is enough to put it on top here.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Empire
Choice Movie Ship
I would imagine that if you just kept the goddamn “ship” categories in there you wouldn’t need the stupid “kiss” category. Argh argh argh.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Chris Evans and Gal Gadot, Wonder Woman
Choice Summer Movie Actress
On the one hand, Zendaya was good enough in Spider-Man: Homecoming that her performance withstood the stupid “MJ” reveal at the end. On the other hand, Gal Gadot was still better in Wonder Woman.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Gal Gadot
Choice Summer Movie Actor
Tom Holland can have all of his accolades 26, but Chris Pine did a great job playing a male second banana/sidekick, and also is generally Chris Pine.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Chris Pine, Wonder Woman
Choice Summer Movie
Spider-Man: Homecoming and Wonder Woman both deserve praise for being superhero movies in which their titular leads are actually heroic. There’s not a tonne of unearned property damage 27, there’s not a lot of wrestling with the result of killing a bunch of unsuspecting people, they are trying unquestionably to do the right thing in a real, humanist way (rather than in the “through gritted teeth even if the right thing is the ugly thing” that’s more common to, say, the other Avengers movies, and without being psychopaths like in the other DCU movies). I admire that. I think Wonder Woman is probably the better movie, although Spider-Man: Homecoming was the kind of thing that impelled me to read Spider-Man when I was a kid.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Wonder Woman
Choice Breakout Movie Star
Tom Holland probably “broke out” in Captain America: Civil War, where he stole the big action setpiece/ensemble scene. But I’ll accept that this would count, since he’s the title character and the star of the movie and all. Who needs to quibble?
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Tom Holland, Spider-Man: Homecoming
Choice Movie Villain
Nooooooo oooooooone’s an evil bloke like Gaston
Threatens townfolks like Gaston
Stands up to shamelessly repeated jokes like Gason!
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Luke Evans, Beauty and the Beast
Choice Comedy Movie Actress
Ellen Degeneres’s Dory is one of the greatest animated comedic performances of all time. OF ALL TIME.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Ellen Degeneres, Finding Dory
Choice Comedy Movie Actor
I have mentioned that I only have so much room in my heart for Batman stuff. Mostly I find Batman stuff tiresome, and uninteresting. Unless it’s Batman stuff that’s all about how Batman stuff would be more interesting if it wasn’t so goddamned dark and negative and ugly all the time.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Will Arnett, Lego Batman
Choice Comedy Movie
See above, although also add that the voice casting all around was nothing short of inspired, and I’m a big fan.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Lego Batman
Choice Drama Movie Actress
I don’t like Serious Acting, and I don’t like biopics. And yet, here we are, giving an award to Taraji P. Henson for Acting in a biopic.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Taraji P. Henson, Hidden Figures
Choice Drama Movie Actor
No but seriously, I’m so glad I get to talk about Serious Acting in this context. It totally makes my day seem like I’ve accomplished something.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Andrew Garfield, Hacksaw Ridge
Choice Drama Movie
I mean honestly. The Shack? Really? Come on, everybody. That’s no good.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Hidden Figures
Choice Fantasy Movie Actress
Since Auli’i Cravalho is the only one of these actresses that acts as a character with complete agency 28, it pretty much has to be her, frankly.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Auli’i Cravalho, Moana
Choice Fantasy Movie Actor
While some of these are excellent roles for the actors that played them, most of them are also pretty stock Campbellian hero types. So it’s got to be Moana again, which at least plays with slightly different parts.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Dwayne Johnson, Moana
Choice Fantasy Movie
So, Moana then, is what I’m saying here.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Moana
Choice Sci-Fi Movie Actress
Doesn’t it seem like Arrival came out like five years ago? I mean, I can look at release dates. I know it didn’t. It just seems like it came out a long time ago. Anyway, it’s not Arrival.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Zoe Saldana, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
Choice Sci-Fi Movie Actor
I like Jeremy Renner in Arrival more than I’ve ever liked him in anything. I like Chris Pratt about the same in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 as I like him in everything (so much!). I really, really liked Diego Luna, who did a good job of never really playing all his cards but still communicating what it was that his character was doing in Rogue One.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Diego Luna, Rogue One
Choice Sci-Fi Movie
I mean, I go on about Rogue One a lot, and I really love it. But before I saw Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 I didn’t even know what a Ravager Funeral was, and by the end of it I was a quivering mass of human emotion to see one. So that one.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2
Choice Action Movie Actress
Can we get some kind of consistent ruling on which Superhero movies are “action” movies and which one are “fantasy” movies? I get that Doctor Strange had spells and interdimensional travel and a portal and everything, but Wonder Woman starts out on an invisible island and stars a character who was created as a gift by the literal actual Greek gods, and, like, they both have a bunch of fight-em-ups in them. I’m willing to go along with 29 the notion that Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 is a science fiction movie rather than a fantasy movie because it takes place in space, but it is also an action movie first and foremost, yes? It just seems really arbitrary is all I’m saying here.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Gal Gadot, Wonder Woman
Choice Action Movie Actor
You only say goodbye to a character that’s been onscreen regularly for seventeen years once, and there are lots of worse “goodbye” movies than Logan. Hugh Jackman has been playing Wolverine for my entire adult life, and since the X-Men has been, historically, something that meant a lot to me, it’s hard not to be deferential to that.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Hugh Jackman, Logan
Choice Action Movie
So this one comes down to Logan vs. Wonder Woman. This is the kind of choice that I am usually insulated from by the fact that there aren’t usually two worthy contenders in any given category. I suppose I’m going to say Logan, because I feel confident that nobody is lying when they say there won’t be any sequels to disappoint or ruin it 30. I mean, maybe all the Wonder Woman movies will be good and I’ll change my opinion in a couple of years, but that bet seems less safe.
THE RIGHTFUL WINNER: Logan
And there you have it! 94 categories, properly awarded, even the one where they didn’t actually publish the nominees! Tune in for lots of bland, amiable hosting and lots of utterly baffling awards being granted!
- as evidenced by the amount of time I have to spend looking these people up and watching their Instagram stories or whatever ↩
- WORDPLAY! ↩
- because you can’t see him, see. ↩
- it was amazing. He turned colors! He completely forgot how words work when they come out of his mouth! He, in every possible respect, reacted like a wolf in a Warner Brothers cartoon. ↩
- Pan, Suicide Squad, and Valerian ↩
- actually, in the two other times I’ve done it, I’ve decided it was no one at all (specifically I said “oh god oh god oh god”, because that’s how this category makes me feel), and Beyonce. ↩
- not even being from Cleveland can save him there, nor his brother. Although they operate out of Los Angeles now, so maybe that’s the reason. ↩
- because, to refresh everybody, I am so old. ↩
- a thing which must be done, because the last couple of times out, a bunch of these people have turned out to be real dill-holes, and I’m not generally in the business of endorsing dill-holes if I can help it. ↩
- actually, the show in question is in Columbus, and has not happened as of the time of this writing, so I suppose there’s a chance I STILL COULD. Probably won’t, but still could. ↩
- and I believe he is! ↩
- except possibly Miley Cyrus’ “Malibu,” which I suppose is summer-related because what other time of year is there in Malibu? ↩
- one of whom, Jonas Blue, was responsible for the utterly surreal “Fast Car” cover that you would have heard in, say, a gym or a passing car or something. It’s so weird. ↩
- This is not the first time I have had to lean on kind-of liking this song as a way out of an awards show category! ↩
- it’s also the song mentioned above in the Summer Female Artist blurb ↩
- Not that one ↩
- outside of shooting-focused video games as well, in which the usage of grenades is often accompanied by a rousing chorus of “Grenade” ↩
- not on principle – I like pop music (obviously), and every single person on the song has made at least one song I have genuinely enjoyed – but in the specific. It’s real bad, guys. ↩
- I will continue to make my argument for Vince Staples, but I’m not going to die on this hill in this particular piece. ↩
- and it’s worlds better than “Choice Song: Group” ↩
- provided, of course, that it actually is how they were selected and not a smokescreen, I guess? I mean, I’m inclined to believe it because 1) there are very few Fox properties involved and 2) it’s all sort of too surreal to be dishonest. ↩
- on a side note, one of the more interesting television phenomena to have witnessed in the last ten years or so is the development of the “cooking competition show television economy,” whereby people hop from one cooking competition to the other, appearing on television fairly regularly for whatever their reasons are. Chopped, Hell’s Kitchen, Top Chef, etc., all seem to cast from a seemingly-smallish pool of people that you see repeating. This is less true for the kids, but it is clear that there is some degree of springboarding that is useful for them through this venue. ↩
- I watched the whole first season here, and can tell you: I did not find any joys. ↩
- since then, some of them have been – June Diane Raphael and Beth Dover have both popped up in Netflix’s stable of available actresses, primarily on Grace and Frankie and Orange is the New Black, respectively. Janet Varney is on the excellent Stan Against Evil, Natasha Leggero co-created Another Period, and some of them were already pretty regularly-appearing people. ↩
- off the rails! ↩
- including below. Read on! ↩
- a German military base gets fucked up in Wonder Woman, which can hardly be called acts of destruction against the unsuspecting, and we watch Spider Man go out of his way not to cause any extra damage to Coney Island. ↩
- Belle is second-closest, but fundamentally Beauty and the Beast is still a movie about a woman who falls in love with her captor, and that’s some major points taken away in the “with agency” category. ↩
- although not, in any meaningful way, to agree with ↩
- I mean, leaving aside that one of the first movies in the Wolverine-solo-movie series is genuinely one of the worst movies ever made. ↩
Ohio Needs a Train 